all shall be well all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well julian of norwich

Monday, September 03, 2001


The above link is a record of every important day in a 4 year olds life. complete with pictures. sometimes it is what everyone would consider an important day. Like a birthday or a vacation or halloween. sometimes it is moments of everyday pleasure like baking or watching movies or taking a bath. It could have been cute and overly precious. It isn't, it is seet ansd so moving i am almost in tears. Henry is my new hero . I want to eat pancakes and cuddle up to watch Pee Wee and the Powerpuff girls.">see if this works
I worked on this for an hour. It has been on the web in a message board i frequent but i liked it enough to blog it

Cohen and his new album , sort of , since i have only read the lyrics

I find power in how he views G-d as both mysterious and obvious. His religion and his sex are both immediate and eternal. They come with the waves off Hydra or in the curve of a woman's breast. That it seems all of his debauchery ends up in the white room with the hard wooden bed. How he swings wide between being depraved and being aestiec (sp) . How he expressed the archetypes underneath Judaism , Buddhism , Catholicism and Capitalism.

He does not abandon a belief system when he embraces another one. There is this marvelous story about these Rabonovich Jews coming to rescue Cohen from his sanctuary at Mount Baldy. He brings them to his room. He finds Whisky and Crackers. They drink and talk long into the night. At the end they become frequent visitors to Baldy.
As well i am reminded of his novel Beautiful losers with that great Cree saint Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha. She is at a formal dinner the white factors are holding . She spills a glass of wine . Everyone talks to her, tries to comfort her like you would comfort a child. But the wine does not sop up. She weeps and the wine permeates the linens. No one sees the symbol.

That seems to be the essence of Cohen , the politics and tragedy of simple pleasures. The way a "very sweet companion, an angel of compassion , can rub half the world against her thigh. " or that martial introduction to Democracy.

As well there is that voice. The resigned sigh, the lone wolf howl, the wilderness keening. He talked recently about the holiness of domestic chores. I expected the lyrics to this album to reflect that . To be severe . But it does not seem to be that way at all. . I thought it would be an album where he put the whiskey on the shelf and said he was an old man , with out much use for woman. But seeing the lyrics, it seems the opposite. The holy man is down from the mountain, He is going from Israel to Babylon to experenice the pleasures of the flesh before he dies.

Its like these ancients are returning to their sources and making the most powerful work of their career. Bob Dylan is telling us how much he fears impotence and death. How being virile is so important to him. Merle Haggard is telling the young folk not to be stupid. Imparting his wisdom with bitter chastisement. Johnny Cash sounds lonely . Desperate to break something apart and run.

But Cohens album seems to hip and modern and as sexy as ever. Look at that digital cover. ( side note he designs all elements to his CDs and Books , often taking the photographs , as he did in this occasion) They smile slyly and close their eyes blissfully.

The Lyrics suggest a resigning but it seems like that has always occurred in his work. His best songs are in the past tense ( I remember you well in the Chelsea hotel or So Long Marianne). These ones deal with true love slipping past the "sentries of the heart" ( Alexandra Leaving ) or finding soberness in a daze of alcohol . Koanic as always.
I have only read the lyrics but it seems like he has done it again.

A couple of side notes

I chose Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha as my patron after Beautiful Losers

The website for the lyrics is

Sunday, September 02, 2001

Two short peices about writers :

Salman Rushdie

So this weekends National Post had an evisceration of Rushdies new novel. I love Rushdie , he is one of my favourite writers. One of the very few who writes with grace and intelligence about Diaspora. His writings seem to travel through time, space and location w. acrobatic ease. He has written both about the lonely consequences of abandoning your homeland ( Midnights Children) and robust satires about being too attached to your homeland ( Satanic Verses ). The latest one, as far as i can gather, is about murder, sex, class war and New York and (more importantly )Ellis Island as a trope. It has a Lolita doll that has made a great intellectual more money then God and the suppression of abuse that made the doll needed . Now the ideas sound exactly like something Rushdie would write about brilliantly . I have not read it but the last one that was savaged (Ground Beneath her feet) is my favourite , so i am excited .

The other interesting thing was that this thread of envy about Rushdie that seemed to permeate the piece. The First column described his troubles and how American Writers have written American Epics . It also mentioned his friendships with Martin Amis, Tina Brown , Christopher Hitchens and Susan Sontag. Nothing that has anything to do with the book reviewed. The photograph that illustrated this reviews was Rushdie in a tux at some fab event with his new nubile girlfriend . This probably has something to do with the slaughter of the book.


I am rereading the collected poems of Allen Ginsberg as well as his essay collection. His later poems seem boring, drug addled and self congratulatory . I am desperate for one line that matches the Yawp found in his 5 famous ones from the 50s ( America, Kaddish, Sunflower Sutra , Howl and A Supermarket in California.) None does, as it gets closer to the end, it reverts to this embarrassing sing song dirges. Is this a case of putting away childhood things.

That said his essays his witty, bitter, funny and conversational. He convinces you in a very clever and forward way. Maybe he will be remembered like Gertrude Stein, not as a writer but curator and scenester . Not a bad reputation to die with .

Today i was watching WGN , an LA superstation. It was nothing special and i was using it as white noise while multitasking.Then I saw the the funniest and perhaps saddest juxtaposition since Michael Jackson lectured Oxford about kiddie welfare ( a whole other rant that one)

Disney is Reviving the Electrical Parade . It showed a bright lights and happy children in a jumpcut 30 second Triumph of the Capitalist Will . I thought to myself about Californians Energy Crisis. Perhaps this was not the wisest move from at least a pr point of view . They must really need money.

The next add was a PSA telling Citizens of California to turn off appliances to save money and the mighty infastructure. This caused me to collapse into giggles. How stupid do they think we are that we cannot jump that gap.

I went to another funeral today. I wanted to cry but i could not. Obliged emotion meant someone else was using the thick hankie. Everyone got up and said nice things about the dead. When i die provide bitterness and anger. I don't want cheap tears and false piety . Maybe i will regret saying that in a week. *shrugs*

A little paragraph on my favorite Nick Drake song.

My mother played folk music on her School Issue Record Player. She played Nick Drake and Fairport, The Carthys and all the American Folkies. I am saying this to establish cred, though if the musics good if you heard it on your mothers knee or a VW commerical it doesnt matter.

Nick Drakes Cello Song
The hand drums and the acoustic guitar provide a gentle rythym. His english voice snakes around them, all he says is comfort. Lyrics seem secondary to this lullaby coo. Then at the 2 minute mark to provide a edge of oddness in complacencies lap the cello cuts through things, like barb wire surrounding pastorals.

Friday, August 31, 2001

Teen Jeopardy is amazing these 15 year olds with these absurdly wide ranges of knowledge. As well they seem alot more socially adjusted then the spelling bee winners. Maybe because jeopardy students are older and less likely to be homes schooled. The champion for jeopardy this year did not have a year where he made under 10k !

Thursday, August 30, 2001

i edit poorly. i was rereading my entries and them seem poorly put together. Prenetious and stifiled . Maybe a bit narcissitic. Sorry .

Wednesday, August 29, 2001

why do you listen to the music you do
My friend

As a child I heard hymns, songs from the little red song book, Childe ballads and irish love songs and english music hall standards.

One night we would sing about incest , death, infanticide and abandonment and The next night it would be about the comorts of home and a loving G-d.

When i was 7 my father left to go up north. I barely remember this. But he sent tapes and books. The tapes were mostly country and western or folk. They dealt with rambling men and lonely fathers. He sent me a tape of Cantonese Opera and Inuit Throat Calling as well. Once again death, sex and G-d.

The second summer he was up in the arctic he came home for a week . Driving through the alberta badlands in a red pickup he blasted Dylan. I noticed the words that seemed to tumble out of the speakers. The music was guitar but the words were magic.

All through that time i went to church with my mother every week . The mormon hymns were standard protestant . The ones i remember were didactic. They taught about resisting sin (Ye Elders of Israel ) or distributing Gods gifts or shouting Hosannas. The tunes were simple so we could notice the lyrics. There were ones that hurt ( families were never going to be together forever in my house) but mostly it was good lessons.

When i was twelve my father came home and i was shipped to school. It was a private school and i was rife with misery. The sports were useless and i was too much of a hedonist to appreciate denial of the spirit to get into heaven. I birthed cows and hacked through brush. We were not allowed to have music . They played music on the speakers every morning though. Everyone seemed to hate most of it . There were exceptions but they were rare.

We sang at that school on Canoe trips, in choir and at sunday Compline and optional thursday service . Now the only purpose of Canoe Songs is to provide cohesive rhythm . Therefore there is a very limited reptoire . I remember only half a dozen songs that fit . Strangely they included Koom-bay-ae and The Beverly Hill Billies. The choir was standard christmas songs . (God rest ye merry gentleman, In the Bleak midwinter). Every year we ended with the Hallejauh chorus. Still a piece i find has little power over me. The hymns at Compline were more important. They were butch and provided a strong Male influence . They dealt with Christ as Solider or Sailor or Master. No eli eli lama sabachthani humility at all.

The second year at that school had three events that changed how i viewed music.
The first was a raging censor who was our dorm master that year. He would have surprise inspections and regularly tore apart my library. He took everything . He hated Dickens as much as he hated Details. I had a Dylan lyric collection He called him a useless socialist. I had a Little Red Song Book. He was convinced i was a communist. The lyrics once again become more important then the music.

The third was when i tried to kill myself. I spent two weeks lying static . Some one forced me to eat and bathe. He talked to me , climbed into my bed and held me. He also sang to me. Angry songs. Songs i had never heard before but songs full to the hilt with mourning.
It saved me . I am still not sure what they were

The third was meeting my first boyfriend. We fucked of course but the most important thing he did for me was pass along smazidat mix tapes . Raging guitars and bawdy rhymes. It was filthy . It was music to accompany violence out of despair and not randomness . I remember Nirvana on that tape, maybe the sex pistols and a rugby song. I used to have them but they got lost in a move .

I still listen to lyrics first. Maybe it was the above training.

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

There is one advantage to funerals. You among the tears and hugs, you get to see the people who helped bring you up. . The ward i belonged to when i was still a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has mushroomed. So at the Luncheon after there was a small table of people who knew me from birth. I sat with them. We talked, we laughed, we kvetched. There were people who say me treat the elders as an equal . They were confused at this lack of order. They called the branch president who sorted things out. I was a stray .
There were three tables. There were the veterans. Those who had founded the church but did not have young children. Whose children had left occupied one . That was the table i was in . Not that i ever had children. Then there was those who ruled the ward now. The Bishop, his wife . The families who had young children . These people sat in the center. The grieving family sat in the far corner.
Not much more to say about it really.

Next entry will be on music

Monday, August 27, 2001

I am not a nature freak. Even when i canoe i want town breaks every two days. Something about the power and majesty that overwhelms me. But i do get to see my share in the city . Sometimes it is rodents. Gophers, Squirrels, that sort of thing but it is mostly birds. It does provide a respite.
I walked to church earlier that morning. I saw ravens, crows and gulls. Tough birds. Ones willing to live on the refuge we make as urban dwellers. They are loud and obvious. The crow has been so common of late it no longer seems a harbinger. You can see how the sleek blackness scared people once. But now it seems to be a rubbish bird. A slimmer cousin to the awkward squalling gull.
Gulls were my first indicator of the cruelty of my fellow humans. Camping when i was 7 i saw a gull death spiraling . I rushed over to the bird wondering what could cause this. As i saw its body in agony. Someone had shot it with an arrow. The hunter maybe two years older then me came to the same place soon after. I sputtered accusations, then fled to my mothers comfort.
I wrote and read on a rock by the river after church. I saw this white fluttering. It was disguised by the kelly green poplars. I was too far away and it was too silent. It seemed like when i was 9 and canoeing with my father . We saw 4 pelicans on the Pembina River. A place where pelicans did not usually gather. These looked like swans. I was sure they were not.
Last night at 2 in the morning i was getting infuriated with myself . I was not sleeping, . I was dicking around on the computer, trying to arrange a million things and not succeeding on any of them . I then heard this ghostly honking sound . I rushed outside. It was dark, the moon was invisible. The street lights were blinding. But i saw them. Maybe three dozen geese flying in that elegant and efficient V.

Sunday, August 26, 2001

I talk to a buddy on icq an hour twice a week . i spend hours on the phone . i make email and message board contributions. i am on this blogger daily. I am constantly talking to everyone. A gift of the our communication age . But i cannot help but think what if we run out of things to say. It seems like an endless commentary. Like a peanut gallery. Nothing new is said but information ,. some useful, some useless , mostly indifferent is absorbed .

That said i feel often real emotion when my Message Board mates tell me of death or marriage or love. And i tell them about mine. Maybe Blanche DuBois bon mot is more true then we thought. What could be wrong about depending on the kindness of strangers

Thursday, August 23, 2001

I noise is music, music noise


There is a differnce between enjoying Cages Philosphy and the music that embodies it. I am thinking about this quote when i was listening to Metal Machine Music. Lester Bang thought it was a joke. Q magazine labeled it as a fuck you to a record company. A bunch of avant gardeists consider it a peice that rips structure to is girders. I hated it , i have a copy of it. I agreed with Q and Bangs for a long time. I then talked to a couple of people . One person told me to listen to it like noise. Without any preconceptions . He said it ripped structures down to their girders. So i did not expect anything. I put it on and just listened to it. It was no longer noise. The feedback was like ripples of a pond. It had no structure, no beggining and no end. When i got used to that it was closer in complexity . It sounded like a raga,

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

I collect three kinds of anthologies. Maybe collect is too precious. Accumlate . The first are the huge omnibuses put out by the major academic publishers . you can pick up ten dollar copies of the big ones. Freshman shed them like a snake shakes skin. After the english course si through , they do not need them anymore.

There are a few interesting things about these books. The first is it seems to be a portal. An easy way to find connections. You discover Anne Sexton in Heath because it reminds you of Sylvia Plath in Nortons. Then you find a copy of Anne Sextons complete poems that has a forward by Maxine Kumin. So you find out about her. Or Louise Gluck leading you to Sharon Olds.

The second anthology group i own is a collection curated depending on collective identity. The Penguin Book of Woman Poets, The Vintage Book of Modern Gay Stories.

These are portals as well. They provide a couple of things If you belong to the group in question then they are "ways to find your own Fathers" in the words of Borges. As a poet who considers himself a lyricist i found Ginsberg and Whitman important first steps. But without Anthologies i could not claim Thom Gunn or Edward Carpenter or Frank O'Hara .

If you do not belong to the group then they provide entrance. You could read 1000 pages of feminst theory about woman's writing being undervalued. About woman being unable to write because of being helpmates. Or you could pull the Virago Book Of Wicked Verse and scan until you get to page 19 and read Lynn Peters 17 line work on Dorothy Woodsworth. Now this is a virtue of poetry. But a poem i could not see unless anthologized.

The third anthology is an anthology on one theme. One one word poets write about and have always written about. It provides a modulation. The themes remain the same but the words change, sometime ever so slightly . It is like a hall of mirrors where you are lost. You do not know the path because reflection reflects itself. The loss of a lover can be as barren to Anonymous Writers in ancient egypt or Elizabethan england or Atwood . Anthologies let you move back and forth comparing and contrasting the time.

Tuesday, August 21, 2001

Alot of shit happened today and i am sort of writing two little peices .

One on Country Death Songs and One on Anthologies, so give me a day or so ...

In the mean time :

What i am listening to

Carter Family - May the Circle be unbroken

#rd Party- Pop Music

Loretta Lynn- Best of

Bessie Smith- Complete Recordings

What i am reading

The Penguin Anthology of Love Poetry

The Ground Beneath her Feet- Rushdie

In the Heart of The Heart of the Country - Gass

The Last Film I saw

The Others - A metaphyscial ghost story . Where isolation and fear transubstantiate to real entities.

Once again Nicole Kidman can do no wrong

Art I Like

Wendy Geller

DeKoonings Marylin


Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

--- P.J. O'Rourke

"...I broke and splattered and cried aaaaaah from the bliss of it

ee cummings


Monday, August 20, 2001

I would like to make this water wine , but it is impossible/ I've got to get these dishes dry"

Eat Rice, Wash Bowl

Zen Koan

Today as usual i started the day with prayer.

i mean formal prayer, as in the rosary. But i had a prayerful day.

There is power in making the plain holy , It is a joy to be simple . I spent five hours in dull domesticity. I cooked , i cleaned, i shelved and hoovered.

This seems to be the human version of the first verse of Genesis. Where we find order in Chaos. I am not saying i am G-d. But that i aspire to the divine. Maybe this is pride. But it seems more complicated then that. The above Koan was my first buddhist teaching. I talked to a monk and told him I was not sure i believed in G-d. He told me those four words. Do the most immediate thing first.

Their are pilgrimages everywhere. If you believe in Catholicism , you go to Lourdes or Gaudalope . If you believe in Moroni you go to Salt Lake or Palymara or Kirkland. If you believe in Allah you go to Messina or Mecca. If you believe in Art you go to Venice every second year in July or August or Kassel. If you believe in Elvis you go to Graceland in the second week of August. If you are queer you flee to the nearest port city as soon as you can.

But is this washing your bowl . Or is this leaving it to find ants and cockroaches ?

Maybe this is my being a hypocrite because i am going to Vancouver again this winter. Maybe when you return you see your mucked up bowl . Maaybe things become

Sunday, August 19, 2001

Do you ever play a peice of music until you feel dead to it.

I have been listening to Billy Bragg so often lately that i am afraid that i will be sick of it but its addicting. Its not nesscairly ther political stuff although thats what i started with. Its his love songs. They seem so joy filled and nostalgic with a sweet regret.

What i am listening to

Billy Bragg - Moving the Goalposts. (single)

The 6ths - Hyacinths and thistles

Bran Van 3000-Discosis ( Curtis Mayfeild and Momus guest)

Buffy St Marie- House Carpenter , The Big Ones Get away


< What i am reading

The New Yorker Music Issue

Mavis Gallant- Traveller

Fast Food Fast Talk - Leidner

The Poems of Sharon Olds

Handwriting - Micahel Odjante (sp)

The Last Movie I Saw

Nothing although i am going to The Others tonight because i will see anything starring Nicole Kidman

Art I Like

Tim Gardner

Maureen Gallace

Tom Friedman


can This Sticky stuff really be love

Bily Bragg

Fast are the naked palms to the breasts

from behind, at the porch rail, fast.

is a look. Slow is the knowing where I come from,

who I might be, like a dream of matter

looking for spirit.

Sharon Olds

Saturday, August 18, 2001

Kurt Cobain

Kurt Cobain was 27 in 1994. I was 14. That year i heard about his overdose in Rome the same day as my grandfathers death . I heard about his death two days after my first kiss.
He was the guy i loved. He was butch enough to gain status points. He played guitar loud and talked about shocking things. This was not the point. He had melody, he had a gentleness .
Both things not often known among Rock Gods .

He admitted to being queer, This caused controversy. People in the boarding school where i was held tore his picture up. Gave away his albums.

It was like John Lennon and Jesus .

Speaking of John that was something else . They blamed Courtney like they blamed Yoko . The new biography of Kurt exonartaes Courtney. It was he who reintroduced smack .
She was not a nice person. But they both lived and live complicated lives. It is like a pharmacists scale of masochism and sadism . They fed off each other. He produced his persona carefully , writing down answers to interview questions, speaking in Pacififc Northwest Koans. He wanted to stay home some nights. She was random, spoke fiercely and eloquently . They both seemed like broken people.

Some abuse victims become withdrawn. They never talk to anybody. They become victims of their inability to speak. The scratch their arms until they bleed. They take drugs .
They end up in this inescapable muggy swamp

And some need to yell . This is what Courtney did at the public memorial./ She realized that it was no longer their life. He/She were public figures . His fans needed something. So she read the sucide note . She keened it. Like a woman wearing sackcloth and ashes.

Then she rose and got on with her life. She released an album . She toured. She fell apart . In fact the two albums she has released seem so manic that she has been accused of having Svengalis. I do not know how any one can buy this . It is obvious she plays her own songs.

A Coda : she has written a tribute to Yoko called twenty years in the Dakota. It is a fascinating claim of lineage. It contains the line Your water breaks with turpentine.
That was Kurt for me.

Friday, August 17, 2001

I swam, went to mass, worked and slept today . Sister Anata thinks i should be a preist.

Thursday, August 16, 2001

Three Things .


On a board i frequent , Momus described the two perspectives on Warhol . One was those who accepted his life, his collecting, his conceptual films as his most important work. IE Theorists or Duchampians . I think that is what i am but the thing is the art i love i rarely have seen live. I go to Vancouver and see Twombly, General Idea, Akari, Murakami and Wall. I see Stan Douglas at a local travelling show. I saw the big ones when i was in New York the summer i was in grade 9. I am connected to the local scene here .
But these are the exceptions. Most of the art i see is in reproduction and criticism. In advertising for shows, in criticism, in history books. Through educated friends. This means my knowledge of art does not relate to the image. It realties to how people view the image or how i view reproductions of the image. Seeing the colour in a b&w piece for the first time or seeing the fact that those in the histories are still producing amazes me. This is why i love contemporary art . It is new .


I decided against a tattoo. All the flash now seems cheap. Most Tattooing used indicate a rite of passage. Something to isolate you.
In America it was done to mark your way out of conventional society. . The people who got them were the people who were entering in almost all male institutions . You got them in new ports as a sailor. New camps as a solider . As marking in prison.
Even in Japan it was aristocrats or rouges who could get tattooed. It was not common
It in fact was a mark of exclusion. In the south pacific it meant you were a man or a warrior.
It still happens. But now Tattooing seems to be something to show at chic cocktail parties. I was going to get a tattoo. But i have no rite of passage, isolation is too difficult and i respect the craft too much .


A friend is moving to Toronto to go to Art School . We packed her up today . I got some odds and sods as well as and some important things. Including a pretty blue , orange and white geometrical abstract that is cleaner and clearer then a great deal of the other recent minimal stuff. It was meant to parody Agnes Martin but goes out a side door and does something entirely new. She is a really traditional figure artist. Literal but can photograph like an angel.
i still like agnes.

Wednesday, August 15, 2001

i had a full day.i am tired . I have nothing to say.

Tuesday, August 14, 2001

Tonight i saw Politically Incorrect with Rufus Wainwright and some schmuck from the traditional family council. Bill asked why Homosexuality ( that quaint and clinical sounding word) was unnatural. The ass hole from the TVA said it was because it was deadly. Yes AIDS kills but Syphilis kills as well. Guess who got more syph for the past 100 years, Maybe its a reporting concern. Rufus said AIDS kills breeders as well . The breeder said he was married for 50 years and does not have AIDS. Is this a question of monogamy ? Someone asked before AIDS why homo sex was morally wrong. He responded it was unnatural . Bill said Nature was Kinky. Which it is.

I came out at work today. I got the some of my best friends are defense which i think is funny but the way i came out was interesting. I said i was queer, I use that term. I prefer it. I wonder why. Is it because i view reclaiming language as revoltionary . Yes . Is it because it shocks. Yes. Is it because it is short and inclusive. Of course. But all of those reasons fell short. I figured out why i use it after i saw this program. I am not sure my sexual identity is hard wired. But i feel terrified by nature. By labelling myself as Queer i can reject nature. I can find new ways to bond. I do not need to worship my biological clock. I can view sex as communion or fun . Being Queer as opposed to gay or homosexual is telling the Neurotic Mother Nature to fuck off.

They use to call us inverts . That is the term i want to reclaim. A turning away from nature. A turning on the heel of family values. A radical reclaiming of community. Thats my favourite term . That and Harry Hays two. First was homophile, I love the company of men. It is not all about sex.

The second is Radical Fairy. This is also important. We used to be channels for gender. Drag was a miracle. It was where we channeled all gendered and non gendered spirits. The original Fairies , the ones with wings, stole boy children and replaced them with their own like Cuckoos. We did that with pop culture. It seems we can no longer claim that tradition. We are not the Trojan horse. We are wallowing in a mire of solipsism.

Lets ignore nature. Lets fuck safely. Lets take the boas and dresses out of the closet .
Lets forget this gym worship. Let us Remember that the queens started throwing pennies and high heels in Stonewall. Lets not put on suits and apply for domestic partnership benefits. Let us be like the Spartans and form armies of lovers. . Leather is just the negative of sequins.

what i am listening to

What is real - Silver Jews

Out of Russia (a classical comp featuring Schittke and Loure

Music- Madonna

Rising - Yoko

Rich mans Woman- Muddy Waters

what i am reading
Love Sonnets - Edmund Spenser

Edward the Second - Kit Marlowe

the last Movie i saw

The Eyes of Tammy Faye ( started as a camp thing, ended with me feeling sorry for tammy

Monkey bone ( wins for bizarre look and Dave Foley in a blond dye job )

Art I like

Wayne Thiebads Lemon Pies

The debate on Rauschenbergs goat ( it may be a symbol of sodomy)


"It's not their Bible or their God to control. The Bible belongs to anyone who will love it, play with it, push it to its limits, touch it, and be touched by it - and the same is true for God.

Reverend Nancy Wilson

Metropolitan Community Church

"Our Tribe, Queer Folks, God, Jesus and the Bible"

I'll thank you to let me read, in a crowded cafeteria, bodymod porn that involves runt deer and Siamese clowns, if that happens to be my kinky inclination!

Web Gleaning

Monday, August 13, 2001

I was reading the
salon article on camgirls and thinking about something. Why am i arrogant enough to think my badly written musings on pop culture are important. Why do i post on boards ? Total strangers validation seems strangely more powerful because it seems unattached . Its also a bit of wish fulfilment. The first time i read about wish lists i though God are we all now whores. Then i thought cool free shit.

Sunday, August 12, 2001

What I am reading
Virago book of naughty verse ( all woman)

What i am listening to

TThe 6ths - Hyathicths and thistles

Live on the banks of the Wishka -Nirvana

The fucking assholes sawing and pounding next door

Art I Love Right Know

Elizabeth Peytons Potraits of Ppprince William and Henry

Wilhem deKooning- evoultion

Andy Warhol- Sex Parts and Shadows


Fundamentalism (of any kind) troubles me. The world is too big and too intricate to conform to our ideas of what it should be like. In my experience I've found that most fundamentalists aren't so much attached to their professed ideologies as they are to the way in which these ideologies try to make sense of a confusing world. But the world is confusing, and just because we invent myths and theories to explain away the chaos we're still going to live in a world that's older and more complicated than we'll ever understand. So many religious and political and scientific and social systems fail in that they try to impose a rigid structure onto what is an inherently ambiguous world. I'm not suggesting that we stop trying to understand things. Trying to understand the world can be fun and, at times, helpful. But if we base our belief systems on the humble assumption that the complexities of the world are ontologically beyond our understanding, then maybe our belief systems will make more sense and end up causing less suffering. Unknown

"You are so pure in mind and heart,
In aspect, too, so mild,
I wonder that you ever could
Implant your wife with child

What i did today

Went to mass, canoed for an hour on the north sask. , had a nap

My Funny Valentine

Today i heard this song twice. Both dealt with posession and longing . Both were heartbreaking. But one was convential and one was coded. The first was Julie London . Almost perfect Alto, one of my favorite chantuses (sp). The other was Matt Damon singing it in The Talented Mr Ripley . This whole movie dealt with the inability to express desire. There is a hinting and a yearning to both Jude Law and Matt Damon . Both are sociopaths. One has money , one social climbs. The My Funny Valentine secene is the second scene in a Jazz Club . The First one is racous and fun. They are celebrating being buddys-expats . No sexual tension at all. The second is rife with subtext. Damon sings this while staring at Law . He is using the guise of a standard , one we know so well not to consider its meanings to seduce. But we all know whats going on

Saturday, August 11, 2001

A journalist from London called Edmonton Deadmonton. Every one of the local civic boosters were offended. Let me offer a metaphor. In a river there are spots of dead water near the shore called Eddies. These are , when canoeing, perfect respites. But seeing them after the chaos of white water they look a bit boring.
The pace in Edmonton is slow. People think this is boring. I think it is wondrous. People are more polite , gentler. A perfect example was the 6 people who stopped and helped an English Tourist try to find her way to her hotel. One of them walked her to the front door.
I get phone calls to return books i have left on buses . The cops have a public information campaign with the slogan being gay is not a crime gay bashing is. They have liaison committees with the Sikhs, the Chinese and the queer. They have their problems.
On the local party strip they are heavy handed but we had a riot on July 1st The first riot we have ever had.
The city is not perfect. People live in poverty, there are murderers and robbery. There is a lack of cheap , safe housing. LArge corporations rule. Our downtown is almost dead after 6pm on weekends where the office workers go home to safe suburbs. But we have a large number of organizations helping. We seem to have this Prairie practicality. Help them now ! To eat or to find rent money or to play. Then lets talk about long term solutions.

I want to provide a travelogue but i have a party to go to, a freind whose wife of 40 years died six months ago is remarrying

What I am reading
War Against Cliche - Martin Amis
Epigrams - Martial
States of Desire- Edmund White
What i am listening to
Madonna - Ray of Light
Dylan- Live and Unplugged
Rufus Wainwright -Traflagar Square ( single)
Moe Tucker - Blue all the way to canada (single)
Art i love right know
Early Pollock all intense and archetypal.
Movie i last watched
Pollock . which should have been called Lee Krasner
The difference between the Spice Girls and a porno film is
that the porno film has better music." -- Phil Specter

Madonna is our pop goddess. She has worked hard at it. From her first albums to Music she has made a constant progress through a few themes. The Three i think are most important are Gender , Lust/Love and Religion

I am thinking of three albums :

The first is one was overlooked. It was the first one done after Erotica, The SEX debacle, the Gautier show. People were sick of her tits and her leathers. Her instincts should have worked. She made a gentle album . One that said nothing about tits or leathers
The gender paradigms she usually works with were made clear in two of the videos .
They were not at all expressed in the songs.
However her songs about lust did not deal with the sex act. They dealt with needing to find find a man who "travels in his unconsciousness" A Sanctuary to rest in. Surviving without glory. About making the Family becomes feral.

The next two were done back to back and supposed to show her new maturity after giving birth. They seem to return to the gentleness of Bedtime stories but go further .

Ray Of Light .

This is the album where lust becomes cold. It is a watery place, frozen over and only freed by G-d. It is an album that is not explicitly Catholic and uses the themes of consumption and brokenness.
This album is an album that deals with the protean aspects of gender. It talks about fragrant and delicious woman being consumed by delicate boys. The concept of "Velvet Porcelain Boys" being devoured by "Candy Perfume Girls" being so important they make "the oceans throb". At the end of the song the Candy and Perfume. The delicacy and the consumabilty transform to the boy. Because they transmit together they become Magic Poison.
In similar themes the only way to be whole, to see everything, to rid yourself of shame and guilt is to open your eyes , let your heart free . These sounds like cliches but the throbbing background and her brittle phrasing make the track sound like an intonation.
This whole album deals with cycles, completeness,water. It is an album of searching sex . Her grasp of Yoga and The Dharma seem clear.


Music starts with bombast. It seems to be a party album. But even on the opening track
It is not an Ordinary dance track. She seems to confuse the people ( who she grew up as )
and the bourgeoise ( who she is now) . Who is coming together.
The album deals with loss acquiring itself. Being satisfied with her g(G)uy. The liberation of feeling like a girl. Strength of Emotion becomes Strength of will . The liberating of cowboy imagery. The skipping stuttering stops and starts. Which make the album sound much less sure then it is.
People think she is happy. Maybe the ambiguity exists to subvert . It seems like she is enough of a master to t improvise. She knows the idiom so she twists and massages it.

Friday, August 10, 2001

Today i went out for a few hours and bought clothes and records. I decided i like Madonna .
So today i collpased at work. I have been pulling 20 hour days. With my projects, work for money, voluenteering, family commitments. I do this every 6 months or so. I spend so much time doing everything for everybody and then fuck off and lay fallow. Not healthy i guess.

Thursday, August 09, 2001

I am not going to post anything deep today. Did alot of work for myself and other people. For now Great Quotes . Be amused, Be Enlightened

God is love, but get it in writing
    Gypsy Rose Lee

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
    Fran Lebowitz

He who loves not tobacco and boys is a fool.

Don't be humble, your not that great
Golda Mier

Asked of Buddha:
'Are you a god?' 'No.'
'Are you a saint?' 'No.'
'Then what are you?'
'I am awake

Society derives a Darwinian benefit from shows like 'Jackass'. It weeds out the weak, the stupid, and those unable to leap over speeding automobiles."
Nancy Walls

Ask yourself why, if you can't exercise even a moderate degree of control over your children, you bothered to have kids in the first place."
From The Onion's

What does it feel like to hold a beating heart?"
"It's like a spleen, except it wiggles around more."
Dan Rather, Dr. William Cohen (heart surgeon)

This film is really nothing more than getting our satisfaction in knowing that the MPAA has to sit and watch this."
Trey Parker on South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Digital files cannot be made uncopyable, any more than water can be made not wet.
-- Bruce Schneier

Would Jesus listen to that shit? I don't think so. I've always envisioned Jesus as having a bit more soul. If he listened to Christian music as at all, I could see him listening to Mahalia Jackson, to gospel music with soul. I can't imagine Jesus being the kind of person who would enjoy songs by rhythmless white people thanking Him for helping them buy a double-wide trailer."
-- The Misanthropic Bitch

Wednesday, August 08, 2001

What i am listening to today :
Rufus Wainwright - Trafalager Sqaure

Smog Nineteen

The Sixths - San Diego Zoo

Belle and Sebastion - Oh Oh Come Emmanuel

< What i am reading :
Learning From Las Vegas - Venturi

Bruce Nauman Complete Works in Neon

What Movie I Watched - Chaplin


'Give me the ability to rage correctly' unknown

The Bush administration "has never been caught in a sex scandal -- unless you count raping the environment
Bill Maher

When a conservative social force and a conservative religious force meet at a gay radical's doorstep, hilarity ensues!"

Peter Simms

Said when the cops and the jehovahs witnesses showed up at the doors at the same time.

Today on my day off i spent 8 hours in a casino. It was for an Arts organization that i belong to . We needed the money. The government pimps us off to these horrible places. I cannot imagine anywhere worse. They are loud. With the whirling pinging clankity clank of the slot machines and the whirling of the roulette wheels. TVs are on at all times. Even when i took a shit new country was playing from the speakers . In fact the only people who were not making noise are the people playing the games. Lady Luck requires silent adulation .
It assaults the eyes as well . The pink, blue and black carpet. The neon in every colour every where . Just as you can kill a starving man by feeding him too fast, You can disorient a blind man with too much light .
I felt like a vampire feeding on peoples hope. But i am going back tomorrow. I think culture is so important that i can take money from Tobacco and Gambling. Does this make us whores ?

Tuesday, August 07, 2001

I have had a hard day and am knackered. Work mostly. Anyways i thought whats the use of a blog if noone interacts. So my email is , my icq is 112379768. Feel free to talk, making sure people read it i guess.

Monday, August 06, 2001

I am listening to the Bjork and Thom Yorke track I have seen it all from Dancer in The Dark.
The way it starts with the train whistle sounds both domestic and has a tinge of exotic nostalgia. show the begining of a tense waltz.
The interposing of dancing willow leaves and murder in the first verse show the begining of a tense waltz.
It all seems like Thom is giving up. With lines like I am half way to saying i have better to do, or All walls are great if the roof doesn't fall,.
At this point the voices switch. Thom is extolling simple domestic pleasures , about the man she will marry or her hand in her grandsons hand. She dismisses it as literally water under the bridge ( "its water thats all") . So common and useful the wonders become banal. The song ends with each of them extolling the hope of "the brightness in one little spark".
At the end they speak in tandem. They have both seen everything.

I am not sure i liked the movie. I think most of Van Triers work depends on female saints in contrived situations ( ie Breaking the Wave or the Kingdom) But this song is so well written . I am looking foreword to her work with Harmony Kormine .

Sunday, August 05, 2001

went to church today. It was the boring and flip preist from Qubec. The Father who baptized me has not been well of late. I do not even remember the homily.
I watched Fight Club and Family Man back to back on cable last night. It got me thinking about Male Bonding. What a silly phrase with its implications of naked men in a drum circle. But its useful. I think both movies are investigations on how we are men .
In Family Man Nicholas Cage wakes up and finds him life as a Wall Street Shark disappear. He lives middle class in the suburbs . He has no idea how to proceed.
He gets advice from his best friend Jeremy Priven. He seems closer to his friend. His friend tells him how to navigate this road. He provides a moral compass. Nicholas Cage learns how to be the titular Family Man not because he has a family but because he was initiated into these new rites .
Now Fight Club. This is a movie that rejects the family. Brad Pitt says to Edward Norton that he was not sure " another woman is an answer" . The woman in their lives are psychopaths . They feel rejected by their society . So what do they do. They start by beating the shit out of each other. Maybe this is sublimated sexual desire . But it moves past this. They develop a society of Men. One where they can find the fathers and brothers they do not have. Fight Club must be all men . This seems to be the unwritten rule.
I think that the womens movement taught woman they could reject sex roles. I think that men need that moment. Affection between men is suspect. We need a way to be men without violence or retreating into family. We need a movement that teaches us that we as men can reject all sex roles. Make it a matter of Gender Liberation.
Book: Iron John- Robert Bly
Movie - Fight Club
Movie - THe Family Man.

What i am listening to today- Hoyt Axton - Funeral of the King
Sun Ra- Planet 9
What i am reading - Black Water Volume One Stories of the fantastic - Edited by Albero Manguel

Qoute - whatever a man prays for, he prays fiĆ or a miraacle. Ever prayer reduces itself to this: Great G_d grant me that two and two be not four .

i say the rosary every morning and every evening. For twenty minutes the smooth black beads slip through my hands. The words, the same words , echo thou my lips. I used to have a computer program that would help me along but some things need to be tactile .I become alone and clear. I am not worshipping G-d or remembering the Holy Mother. I am emptying the trash my mind and body has collected during the day. Does this mean i do not believe in the Catholic Church ? I am a strict Apostolic Catholic. If you read the apostles creed, there you have my view of the Divine.

Well this does not not incorporate it all, I believe in aesthetics . I believe in ritual.
I believe in finding the odd comforting corners and resting in them . There is a document on the web culling queer saints. Of the 10 000 allowed by Mother Church, a lot of them seem to have this subtext. Is this because same gender instatutions allow for safety. Do people who fear sex seek ways to destroy it. In the early church celibacy was not at all a commandment. Jerome and Augustine recommended it. But Francis and Thomas of Aqaounis were indifferent. Boswell says it was political . The Cardinals wanted the bishops to avoid having sons so property would always belong to the church.

Maybe this is the case but i was a Mormon. The Bishops ( like parish priests) would have two families. They had to take care of the body of christ and then go home and deal with the turmoil of their own family . Something would fall by the wayside. Mormon woman have huge levels of depression . Maybe compartamentalizng is good.

I am not sure this makes sense.

references :
Book : Same-Sex Unions in Pre-Modern Europe John Boswell
Web site:
Web site:
Apostles Creed :

. Tonight i got drunk on cheap red wine. I wore a tux and went to a party. It was for a preformance art festival i helped set up. I went to the back and talked with a surrvilance artist from Williamsburg, A poet from Vancouver and two figuritve artists from Edmonton. Butch Trannies Stripped, Drunk New Yorkers flirted. God what do you say when a transveite bores you and a naked guy amuses you. Now i am back home eating red bean cakes and listening to free jazz noise. Maybe i will be profound tomorrow.
Hey this is my first blog. wrote something about an art party. Not sure if it made it ...

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i am a sixteen foot sasquatch.