yesterday in class, tom got angry about the tulip formation in calvinsim, i was not sure what it meant. i realized that i am so stupid when it comes to hardcore protestant theology.

So campus food drive, two hours trick or treating, this time for food for the food bank, every house i went to had food for us- on one house there was a note that said that this is all she had because her mom was in a nursing home. in others they gave us candy or words of encouragement. i feel like god has blessed me with this experince, reminded me that although depression often leads to solipism, if you can extend yourself it will be alright.


ballet tomorrow.

toms in vancouver, and im there next week and i am looking forward to it immensly.

It was a rather modestly sized audience that gathered last Saturday morning at 11 a.m. in Cooper Union's basement Great Hall to see newscaster Peter Jennings interview the 47-year-old New York artist Jeff Koons. The morning repartee kicked off the annual Art Walk NY fund-raiser put on by the Coalition for the Homeless, so everyone was full of a charitable spirit. Except that Jennings seemed not particularly sympathetic to Koons' work. "How did you like being called a 'master of kitsch' and a 'self-promoter'," he asked early on. "It was very painful," Koons answered earnestly, a tone that he maintained throughout. "I just tried to keep my work pure to my objectives."
Koons is a good salesman for his own work, and he explained what he was after in some of his more sensational pieces (in the vacuum cleaners he sought "the darker, masculine side of consumerism," and his explicit color photos of love scenes between himself and his ex-wife Ilona Staller, otherwise known as Cicciolina, an Italian porn star, were meant to express a romance of everyman and everywoman. "My work has always been collage, so I thought I'd collage myself into my own work." For those who look for secrets in an artist's childhood, Koons noted that his father had run a furniture showroom, and that he was always seeing things displayed.

The conversation had several bizarre highlights. Jennings asked Koons if it was true that he admired Michael Jackson more than anyone -- Koons apparently made such a statement in the past -- and Dan Graham asked from the audience whether Koons thought Jackson was gay. Jennings parried by asking to reserve the question for later. (Later never came, though a slide of Koons' ceramic sculpture of Michael Jackson and Bubbles, which sold last year at Sotheby's for $5.6 million, did eventually go up on screen, and Koons said something about it representing the speed of evolution.) Koons volunteered that he admired Jackson because "he would do anything for his work, but ended up a tragic figure."

The artist also brought up his former wife and spoke at length about their divorce and child-custody dispute. "My ex-wife has a borderline personality disorder," he offered by way of explanation. "All ex-wives have borderline personality disorders," joked Jennings. Koons remained serious, and told the audience that his son Ludwig, now 10 years old, was "abducted" by his ex in 1994, and that in a "tremendous injustice by the Italian judiciary" he is not allowed to see him or talk to him on the phone. He hopes that his son will look back on some of his recent works with childlike imagery and realize that "my dad was thinking of me."

Koons also said that as a result of the clash, he had sought out and destroyed "60-some" works from the "Made in Heaven" series, the images of he and his wife having sex. He also talked about the 200-foot-long backdrop he made for the currently touring Rolling Stones stage show, which included images of female underwear stretched across the stage ("to create tension"), a trash can flying through the air, and a cascade of oversized corn kernels. Keith Richards was to be positioned in front of the corn, and had Koons remove five kernels from the mural, since he didn't want to be completely surrounded by corn when he played.

From artnet, we all love mr koons.

and joan mitchell

Thats a prince, a print though, not a painting and not the one i thought of.

joan mitchells in all the latest magazines, first major retrospective since she croaked and really i dont see it. ive read the theory and looked at the paintings, thought about it, looked some more, seen some live in london and nothing. its the stuff i usually like, the colours at least, and thats all a boy expects from abex these days- maybe tohugh its the incompleteness of the field or the failure to intergrate certain lines, or the messy scrawl- there are v. few messy scrawlers i enjoy (twombly), hmm- no idea really.

i do like the new richard prince joke paintings though, they look so serious- buff on buff, black on balck, white on white. silly henny youngmen style one liners.

its for of course. ive read this text book twice and i cannot think of anything but churlish thoughts. due on wednesday. trying to reconstruct an essay for adam, failing. tired .

an odd do nothing day

wrote for nyplm and this blog at &;30 , meet jess from newman

class at 9 am, talked about hellenistic athens, one class short

did about 50 pages of reading fro class

treid to talk to raymond about a gateway article

had a drs appointment for mens stuff- have you ever had a test for stds (i havent had pentrative sex for at least 6 mo. but my scrotum has been hurting for about three days) anyways they stick a swab up yr urethra-unpleasent in extremis.

got an email that some of my "fiction" would be published (50 bux american)-email me if you want details on that one

went to mass where the priest talked about depression

went home did some more reading

back to the gateway, tried to revise the saint albert art peice, my email decided to stop opening attachments

left gateway, bumped into daniel for a bit and we talked about the german new wave - wenders herzog fassbinder- along with the ldsers, sceintologists, orzon,punch drunk love et al

newman or my sisters games tonite- not sure which i want to go to.

thomas is speaking at campus crusade tonite, but i talked to him on tues., had class w. him on wednesday, and dropped by his work yesterday-where we talked again an hour and a bit-do i want to see him again?

fearsomes bitching about my lack of comments, but my nyplm writing has them and it makes me a wreck when there are none.

list is queer novels, written for ilx

Top Twenty

01) Death in Venice by Thomas Mann

02) On the Road-Kerouac

03) The Immoralist by Andre Gide

04) Billy Budd-Mellville

05) Symposium-Plato

06) Confessions of a Mask -Yukio Mishima

07) The Talented Mr Ripley-Highsmith

08) Cities of the Red Night-Burroughs

09) The Berlin Stories-Christopher Isherwood

10) Death Comes for the Archbishop -Willa Cather

11) Head Hunter-Findley

12) The Persian Boy - Mary Renault

13) Funny Boy -Shyam Selvadurai

14) The Coming Storm-Russell

15) Aimee and Jaguar-Fischer

16) The Naked Civil Servant-Crisp

17) Other Voices, Other Rooms-Capote

18) Myer Breckinbridge-Vidal

19) Collected Short Fictions-Saki

20) Maurice-Forrester

2/4 of thomas's roommates have started blogs. including one on shit. back to sleepless nights. midterm back today.

this new medication has caused me to sleep more then i have, well ever. 15 hrs a day for the last three days.

instead of writing an exam, thomas read my blog and then qouted it to me extensivley, with comments.

i am slightly uncomforatble, and emailed him thrice trying to process how i felt.

i forgot how meloncholy and personal this website is.

btw the quoting of Christs last words on the cross was meant to be self mocking.

thomas invited me to church three weeks ago, and i missed it, so he invited me again this week.
now i am not sure wether he is inviting me because he has to, i mean an evangglical christian likes to have his friends show up, its status, it means that he has saved one more then others
maybe he likes me though, and wants to do something socially.
i called him yesterday to see what time church was, but what i really wanted to ask him was- why me?
is it 'cause a sinner in the hands of an angry god is hot to convert
is it 'cause you want to spend time with me.
i also wanted to ask him how a baptist church service works, whether there was communion, who would be there, what am i expected to do, what do i wear.
i have been having a panic attack all day 'cause of this and my midterm, which is monday.
though i walked into the 2nd Cup attatched to the library today and my buddy Patricia comped me a an italian soda, and i have two a and e stories coming.
still unhappy.

so i went to the dr to get on medication. the therapist that the u of a requires one to see b4 the shrink told me that it was my deportmant.

next week, when i get the money together, i will be taking remeron. a tricylic-havent done those since i was 8, he says that my appetite and my anger may increase.

im trying to fit in as much people time as possible, cause im not miserable with people, they distract me.
i feel like a failure, like i tried every thing and nothing worked. i feel like i have betrayed a ton of people who have tried to help.
i feel like god has left me.
eli eli lama samach (correct my hebrew josh)

wondering why im not happy, even though my life is going well,wondering why i depend on god so much, curious about why i think my writing is shit, worried about how slow my writing is i pick up noon day demon and come to the awareness that depression will be with me pretty steady and that content is as good as happy, and recognzing that when i am tired i should sleep is all ok. its calming.

Lombardos Adam has been destroyed, it shattered after a pedestal collpased at the Met in NYC. Here is image about the sculpture and here is a NYT story about the entire fiasco It makes me sad

thursday- meeting w. fr. stephen. talked about god,sex,the saints ,obdeince(sp), why I would be a poor priest, mass, and of course edward gorey and the gashleycrumb tinnies - then interviewing two artists from mt allison nova scotia, doing their mfa here.

friday- 4 hours of bingo then adoration of the host, rushed home to change and then rushed back, discussion over pot luck, newman with icebreakers, worship and praise, and a talk by a nigerian seminarian which destroyed the pollyanna attitude north americans view conversion.then mini golf, a gin and tonic at the old timey british pub inside of the mall and a ride home where my drinking habits and what happens after i drink was displined