all shall be well all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well julian of norwich

Monday, June 06, 2005

to the last iowa pork queen

standing in boots, and a satin sash
hand on the rump of a perfect sow

five pigs for every man, woman and child
in iowa--and you are there among them

dawn kruger and the president--
charlotte to his wilbour

the family farm will die,
and the queen of agribuisness

doesnt sound so nearly
tragic
grave yards are easier

cheap subliminity
dark night of the soul
cheap sublimity

& 8/hr for the privelege

the pyschogeographic history of ft sask, alberta:

river

river
floodplain

river
floodplain
hill

river
flood plain
windbreak
hill

river
floodplain
windbreak
hill
field

river
cropland
windbreak
hill
lot
roadway

river
hayfield
windbreak
hill
concrete prison
highway

river
hayfield
windbreak
hill
prision
electrified fence
gates

river
slough
windbreak
slump
prision
fence
razor wire electried fences
liscence plate shop
gallows

river
park
trails
subdivision
lot
relics
graveyard
tract home
expressway
AnthonySEaston (7:05:08 AM): rowhousing

Sunday, June 05, 2005

seventeen things i learnt from nixons memoirs

1) kissenger and sammy davis jr met and talked.
2) jackie's handwriting has a careless, handsome, fuckable joie d' vie (he reporoduced a note of hers)
3) the notes to his daugthers are filled with cliches, and dont seem v, personal
4) he spent time with norman vincen peale
5) he was a snaky, lying bastard
6) apparently he thot that blacks were like isrealites--and was "poltically unbeholden" to both of them (538)
7) "for those willing to work hard, california seemed to be a land of almost unlimited oppurtunity' (5)
8) he and his brothers were named after the early kings of england
9) "my mother was always concerned and active in community affairs, but her most striking aulity was a deep sense of privacy" (9)
10) we never had a meal without saying grace, but except for special occasions when each of us boys would be called on to recire a verse from the bible, these prayers were always silent. She even took literally the injunction from ST Matthew that praying should be done behind closed doors and went into a closet to say her prayers before going to bed at night" (ibid)
11) i grew up in a religous enviroment that was at once unusuall strict and unusally tolerent. My Mother and her family belonged to a branch of the Friends church that had ministers, choirs andcirtually all teh symbols of other protestent denomations. The difference were water baptistsm and communion, and hte heavy qauker influence on silent prayer. My father had convereted to Qaukeris, from his own rather robust methodism at the time of his marriage and he had a typical entuhism of a convert for his new religion. Our family went to church four times on a Sunday--Sunday school, the regular morning service, Christian Endevour in the late afternoon, and another service in the evening. ... (not including a service on wedneday)(16)
12) often we drove to Los Angeles to hear Aimee Semple McPherson, at the Angelus Temple and Bob Shuler, her great competitor, at the Trinity Method church (ibid)
13) When I was Vice President, President Eisenhower urgerd me to refer to God from time to time in my speeches, but I did not feel comfortable doing so. (17)
14) Despite my qauker background and belief, inever considered getting a (draft deferment). When I heard that young lawyers recruited as officers for the Navy, I talked to Pat about it, and applied for a commision.
15) Although nothing was ever said, I knew that ny nother and grandmother were deeply troubled by my decsison. In World War One my Uncle OScar, had gone to france, with the American Friends Service Committee and worked with the red cross as an orderly...I am sure that this was the lind of service tey had hoped I would choose. It as a difficult descion for me to make, but I felt that I culd not sit back while my country was being attacked. The problem with Quaker pacifism , it semmed to me, was that it could only work if one were fighting a civilsed, compassionate enemy. In the face of hiler and Tojo, pacisfism haf not only failed to stop violence--it actually played into the hands of a barbarous foe and weakened home-front morale. (33)
16) he spends about the same time talking about his poker then he does about his break with the SOF
17) nothing after that--though we have 1000s pages to go.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

sorry--they are photoprint with a laquer overlay--resulting in a deeply pop shininess--this silly ridicouls oversaturated colour.

sweets meats sheets
ed ruscha
photprint
edition of 25

succluent filth
"This permanent, precise labor of documentation and denunciation, this molelike activity, this is what interests me."

--French left-wing publisher Francois Maspero, quoted in Kristin Ross, May '68 and its Afterlives
qouted in konvult

http://www.lmaweb.com/wlacpast.html
one of these days i am going to comment on the idea of eary country music and its connection to found, occupational sounds--like wilf carters yodelling and cattle calling--the link above, is a fanastic collection of auctioneers callers, winners of a national competetion of livestock callers, and its fucking amazing--almost impossible to write a bout its tension between common, functional, aesthetic, and ritualised speech.

http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2005/05/31/judge_gives_offenders_option_of_church/?rss_id=Boston.com+/+News
jds forced to decide b/w jesus and jail--so fucking wrong, and really old fashioned (these are just now sources of outrage, because homogenity is breeched.)

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050528/D8ABUAU80.html
i need to know more about the economic implications of this

http://in-souls.com/
xian kitsch

Friday, June 03, 2005

the hammer musuem is having a huge comic show, survey mostly--18 artists, not all indie and not all pervert suits, looks solid, and recently MOMA in new york has aquired several pornographic drawings, for their collection, including Zak Smiths painting of a sucide girl, a rather tame but handsome tom of finland--actually almost nude, and some crumb--coming from a couple of different sources, including the judith rothschild collection.

my concern then, is having all of these liminal places, ephermeal drawings, intended to be under the counter, reflections of id and ego, of bogeymen and real fascist power, of genres who were dangerous, made safe and clean and insttuional--its already happened to crumb, who has gone from a kind of wrath filled counterinstinctual back stabbing hater of all things common to a crotechty old man, and i see that moma isnt for example collecting tom of finlands the orgies and fist fucking--and zak smith is hi art so hes tame anyways and the collection is really 3 out of 2500 hundred or so but t here is that concern there, of castration.
i want (and i know this is impossible) to have some hope about the way the world is run---i want to have some consitent set of ethical guidelines that actually accompany the way the world works, and the more information i get, the less that seems possible.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

>Patty Loveless
>Richard Thompson
>John Denver
>Graham Parker
>Dwight Yoakam
>Bill Frisell
>Faron Young
>Jon Randall
>Brad Paisley
i think what i am saying is that i am sick of having what ever fate i have dependent on other people--still getting over the calvinist instincts of my forefathers. slow and steady wins the race.
its a third into the year. and it just feels like im chasing nothing--submitted poems to a journal in nebraska, and another in ontario, gave todd a list of issues and reissues i would like for the next three months, edited and talked to blair, etc about this curatorial propasal i am getting involved with, took more notes and did more reading on the book, which i am finally starting writing, did some more pitching, got my resume together---so its not like im not busy, but its all notes and pitches and prep and spec and sorting, and filling and applying--four months into 2005 and i have written a dozen essays, 20 poems, 10 reviews, taken about 200 fotos im realtivley proud of, blogged on three sites, and read about 50 books (latest is still acting gay, star fucker, american studies, two highsmith novels, a book on coperality and the american political scene, and two small poetry collections--most of these on the bus back from vancouver) and so its not like im not working--constantly, im a fucking ox, always chewing his cud, and i have not published nearly what i wanted to this year, gone far enough in what i wanted to do, not done what i wanted fully, its complicated, because i am good at what i do, and thats not enough, and i know its not good enough...and i guess what im saying is that the constant grind will eventually make the iceberg cubes for the manhattan---its just gonna be a long time.

maybe this post is for me to say--wait--i have worked, constantly, and well fuck, buck up and keep doing it.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

the books that the american neo con journal human events include as dangerous show a distinct lack of imagination (15 people voted--sounds commie to me ;)

here is there list, and my suggestions for further reading, for what i have read.

Communist Mannifesto

it apparently is worse then the one below it, because communism killed more people then anythinf else, well the old trope is true, that would be the case if anyone bothered reading the fucking thing--reading it again, certain contemparary critics have noticed the explicit similarties b/w this text and adam smith--and consdering tht he was correct about the abuses of unfettered capitalism, im assuming its on the list becuase of residual guilt that victorian sweatshops

More Dangerous: Adam Smith: The Wealth of Nations; any of Stalins foreign policy papers.

Mein Kampfh

If Hitler depended entirely on this book, it would not have gone very far, its a unreadable mess. (though no. 2 in Turkey right now. It is about his use of mass media, spectacle, and his genius at scape goating jews--he just finished the job western eeurope had been t rying to do for 1900 years.

More Dangerous: Protocols of the Elders of Zion, anything by Leni Refienstahl

Little Red Book

Actually this one is pretty fucking dangerous, might make it into my top ten, esp. for the excurtaingly stupid naievetee of post 68 radicals having it in every house in the west.

Kinseys Report on Human SExuality

The problem with Kinsey is that he spoke out of school--shit like this happened from the beginning of time, it will continue until the end of time. It happens in the wild, it happens in civilazation--people fuck goats, children, other humans; people rape and people kill. He had a v. explicit, almost priggish, sexual morality, concerned with consent---that is all we can do to control our urges, make sure it is done w. safe and sane consent--and it is better to be informed then not to be.

More Dangerous (well Raebalis comes to mind, but thats too early)--the fantagraphics collection of Tijunana Bible Reprints from the 1900s to the mid60s.

Dewys Democracy and Educaton

The most famous of a series of texts making education a series of social rather then pedalogical goals--actually encouraged open discourse, communication, intelligent and well constructed dissent and a certian pragmatism. All of the values the founding fathers had, w/o the nasty racism. the org is scared because it encouraged clinton.

More Dangerous--Summerhill, giving kids power and democracy on top of that, was read and written on from everyone in the time that clinton went to oxford--if you demand an american, go to margaret fuller or william james, they wil ltell you the same thing.

Das Kapital

see my entry on the communist manifesto.

More Dangerous: Edward Baines, The History of the Cotton Manufacture in Great Britain--almost unread now, at the time of marx's printing, it was the best selling apologia for the free market, and has sections in favour of things like kiddie labour, gives a solid example of what marx was working against.

Femmine Mystique

she went a little heavy on the rhetoric, but she was still nice and from the suburbs, no danger of revoultion, no worry about anything but her sharp tounge--the list blames her for the end of the glorius housewife. They obv. havent read the real ball busters.

More Dangerous--Dworkin-Sexual Intercourse, Valerie Solonas--SCUM Manifesto, Ti Grace Atkinson, Angela Davis, Germaine Greer--Femmine Eunuch (which sold better and told more then Friedan), Monique Wittig, Judith Butler (theory head, but both on the vangaurd of destroying essentalist gender--something friedan never attempted.)

Comtes Positive Philosophy

havent actually read it.

Beyond Good and Evil

i think more and more that neitze was less of a fascist, then a radical empiricist w. an bdsm realtionship towards personal autonomy and the state. thats why uncle michel loved him so much.

More Dangerous--Of his time--Rosseou(sp)

Employment, Interest and Money

the reason why the social democroatic left in the west is failing is that they have abonded (sp) things like state ownership of utlities, using their power for massive growth projects, geniunely progressive taxation esp. copretaly, etc. Keynes was right--he saved America at least twice (40s and the 70s). The recent homophobic gut punching (fags dont care about families, fags will ruin the economy, keynes was a fag--runs the line) forges something v. basic, because fags dont have families, and because the poor cant depend of family money, and because family is so deeply defined and redefined, we cannot expect anything but a communitarian ethic--keynes fagness meant that he believed that family could not take care of its self--and personal work meant that the larger community was nto taken care of--the thing that is dangerous about keynes is that he deeply underestimated the states natuaral tendeices towards authortian control, and its losign communitarian ethics v. quickly.

More Dangerous--Fuykama and The End of History--Keynes had a wide ranging, historical, and liberal education, which centered on an understanding of the cyclical history of history, and the larger boom and bust that comes from empires. Fuykama is an arrogant apologist for the new kings.

The Population Bomb

not dangerous, because it is mostly wrong--underestimates the presence of diease as a control mechancism. bad pop pysch-recent emographic suggests the population is actually levelling off.

What Is To Be Done
Lenin
actually fairly dangerous--if you are going to plan a small and badly contained revoultion, actually make sure that you can pull if off to the end of history, or you get free healthcare but no medicine.

The Authoritarian Personality
Adorno--I actually dont like this, and think he tends to be wrong, and there were better writers at the same time, saying the same thing, with out the heavy and kind of silly marxism--and i think his refusal to find subversion in domineint (sp) texts dishearting--i do think that conseratives find it scary because it either a) tells their secrets b) hits too close to hoome.

More Dangerous--Hannah Arendt could actually write what most people could read, has an astute pyschologicla profile, and is v. good at the implications of all sorts of statecraft--but is not really a culture worker. Try her Banality o f Evil anyways.

On Liberty

I am assuming they have a problem with utlitarationism, which seems to be a fairly conserative philisophy--only consider the impt stuff, make sure the most happiness can happen to the most people for the most effiecent resources, a calvinist taste for thrift...

if you want a real radical--read about the Diggers, or the LEvellers, or even Bentham--Miller was too comfortable to do anything really dangerous.

Beyond Freedom and Dignity

i am suprised to find skinner on this list--his tendency towards social control seems to be the exact thing that these folks would be into--creepy little motherfucker who refused to tell the difference b/w a rat and a man-the most dangerous book on this list.

Reflections on Violence
The Promise of American Life

havent actually read either of these

Origin of the Species

the death of god, though he was a theist. the rise of mans animal nature, though he was a pafcfist.. a carefully considered theory, placed gently, and with much doubt--the ideas that were mentioned here are really not that dangerous--unless you think young earth creationism is legitmate. (gould wrote that darwin made everyone equal, everyone had the possiblity of coming form the same source, and sectraian violence would be absurd otherwise.

Madness and Civilization
for being the most dominant thinking in the last half of the 20th century, you would figure uncle michel would be closer, and this one--against the authortian state, towards personal autonomy, viewing civilazation at the end of the 20th century, may seem nihillist--but it is a deeply hopeful work, trying to perserve something, a decade after the second world war ended everything.

More Dangerous--these folks tend to hate posties--because it tells us that langauge and ideas are not innately connected, and that we have to work for things to have meaning--but this book doesnt really say that--birth of the clinic, history of sexuality, discipline and punish all say it better--as do derrida, lyotard and buidlallard (who makes fun of america besides)--i am suprised more didnt make it onto the list and this work wasnt higher

Soviet Communism: A New Civilization

exceptionally stupid book from the mid 50s, that presents the ussr as a utopia, the progressive left believed it--which might have something to say about the eligous nature of utopias or the drunk donkey approach of the left. actaully would put it on my list.

Coming of Age in Samoa

continued the idea of the noble savage, continued the idea of a perfect idyliic wilderness, continued the idea of conalism as intergration, silly enough to not know when she is being laughed at, badly written, badly constructed, gave birth to a million hoaxes, forgets the history of western interferencei n samoa since cook, hated book in certain athropolgoical circles--dangerous for all of the reasons above. why is it on this list.

Unsafe at Any Speed
back when nader wasnt crazy, the car blew people up when bumped in minor fender benders--encorouged companies to be responsible for their prducts, hated among the right for inciting a flury of law suits--most convenient some not.

more dangerous: the telephone book (the ad on he back page since my child hood has been for an ambulance chaser)

Second Sex

we will know if the work is as dangerous as we think it is when it is translated into an edition that vaguely resmebles her orginal work--ghost wrote large chunks of sarte, who like most stalinists was deeply boring, and horribly self important.

Prison Notebooks
have not actually read it.

Silent Spring
the only reason why we do not have three dicks and no robins is that this work was written, creating the epa, and encourgaging some vague work on not fuckign up the world as quickly as we had.
more dangerous--jane jacobs, i am convinced the recent destruction of brooklyn for a football stadium is delayed revenge for not getting an expressway.

Wretched of the Earth
havent read it.
Introduction to Psychoanalysis
even this freudian doesnt have the energy to defend freud--but try william reich or jaque lacan.
The Greening of America
havent read it
The Limits to Growth
havent read it.
Descent of Man
the more dangerous, and more explicit of the two darwin books on the list--reading edward o wilson puts the dread

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

things to do tomorrow.
go to the bank
phone bill
mail work
figure out 6 mos of releases for todd
compile reading list for susan
things for the harcourt show
10-20 good qaulity slides (can i get these from high res ?)
cv
curatorial statement
project description
sase
relevant support materials (ie cd roms audio.video tape, press clippings, etc)

clips for no depression:
http://www.stylusmagazine.com/feature.php?ID=1512
http://www.stylusmagazine.com/review.php?ID=2855
http://www.freakytrigger.co.uk/country.html
nyplm on alan jackson/dolly parton
progress

artists i want in the harcourt show (that would not be difficult to get)
ashley andels recent work with birds, etc
danielle macdonalds celling series, with the photographs to acompony
chris piumas video for sasketchewan
rachel maccraes sillicon noses
b raymond neilsons small photographs of family and friends (12 of them--real size)

artists that would be more difficult to get:
blair brennans grace and guilt jackets (or other typographic work)
dean drakes fuck you panel
aurora robsons objectivity
the artist from calgary who uses duct tape (name)
anne craven
drue langois and his dolls.

artists i might want to think of
carolyns cermaic peices
cindy bakers crochet
some of the more mathematical work in fabric arts

4 poems to one place, 5 more places.
the c internship wont work out unless i am there
outline printed out, and research lists compiled, etc

emailed todd and the art blogging thing.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

about that new york blade story--

3 defenses and one is gay panic, and in the most conserative place, with a homophobic structure--it didnt work, and he was a married man, with a son and he wanted so much comfort, that he sought it with the enemy.

was it edmund carpernter who said that an army of lovers could not fail--the story is weried and perhaps there is hope, but still the anger resonants, because i think that he did get so scared of desire, that he had to kill it in himself and others.

25 years and a murder is a lot for a handjob.
link time!

tiny vices is the foto editors blog, and these four feature cataclysmic storms in australia--amazing, end of the world stuff.
http://www.tinyvices.com/storms.html

kohbunny is a queer performance, video, installation and naked man artist--this http://www.kohbunny.com/vv.html is a series of plaster casts of common objects, some with more emotional resonance then others, decayed, or reinvented in some way--for example flying eagles, dolls with huge cocks, skulls of all human and animal varieties, two howdy doody dummies hung on a hall, hindu gods, mickey mouse telephones--the high contrast, black and white photos, using a stucco wall makes it even creepier (indie nudes)

http://www.brevis.com/
brevis is "the leader in infection control products--and in their educational series they have a series of disase ridden handpuppets, including one for aids and one called preppy the streppy. buy me one. (ia laddy bunny)

hilarys hawkish ways on foriegn party, and v. soft social democraticsm, besides her rheorical and networking skills, mean she will be the next president--the numbers are at 53 per cent, bush was 51 at the last presidental election--
http://news.yahoo.com/s/usatoday/20050527/pl_usatoday/pollmajoritysaytheydbelikelytovoteforclinton and this from the nation among other examples from the progressive left are suggesting this is a good thing--and well i was going to say that i dont like her, but everyone who gets into congress does things in back rooms that would make the most seasoned hooker blush, and well there is no one who will ever play into the hands of a radically decentralised queer pacifist post christian with a taste for sherry and good art--shes not good for gay folks, follows her husband in his coy courting and cruel dismissials, shes a conveient hawk, willing to play foriegn policies for domestic resulsts--which i find scary, i do think that she suppourts things like a strong health care plan, and insurance, and all of the good we dont think kids should die in the street stuff but the more and more i get into the morass of state support the less and less i want to go down that road, and she could play god brilliantly, but she wont. i dont know, i dont trust her but who do i trust--nation article forthcoming. (as i wrote that--iris dement sang i dont want to get adjusted to this world, which is apropros) http://www.thenation.com/docprint.mhtml?i=20050606&s=sargent

sinker is doing hit and run on the freaky trigger election blog, but he linked to this: http://k-punk.abstractdynamics.org/archives/005462.html starting with a viscous steve bell cartoon, he clearly and solidly tells why kids these days dont vote--and how voting is nto apathy, but something stronger--a turning back with a physical revulstion and disgust--i ws reading menuards essay in america studies on hippy bullshit, and how no one seems to drop out anymre--and thats what a whole generation is doing, fuck this noise, fuck this game, im taking my ball and going home, you are bullies. anyways read k punk above, he says it better.

http://www.thisislondon.com/til/jsp/modules/Article/print.jsp?itemId=18914596
queer theorists need to do more work on the mutability and transference of sex--not gender, but sex. apparently the production of a certain kind of plastics, changes the chromosones and hormones of boys, including decreasing testrone. it keeps reminding me of oryx and crake, which is much better then what people will have you believe.

http://www.nyblade.com/2005/1-7/news/national/panic.cfm
watching a and e last night, about a soilder who was kicked to death for being gay, while loving and self iding as a heterosexual (his partner was transgendered) made me sort of skeezy and disgusted. (they did they whole this man was gay, and the reps from the gay servicements leauge made it even worse. now real queer folks are having the shit kicked out of them, and dying--and people are playing gay panic. why do i expect them to understand something as complicated as gender reassignment surgery when miltary lawyers still think gay panic is legit--fuck we should make them panic, we should disgust them, we should have orgies on street corners, until they puke. we should stop being nice to our xian pals, to our parents. we should ask, we should tell and we should fuckign disclose.

speaking of the glories of the american miltary--a federal judge in nyc says a gross of fotos from abu gharib will be released. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/27/politics/27abuse.html? (why wasnt this more of an election issue)

http://www.ornery.org/essays/warwatch/2005-05-15-1.html
orson scott card being a moron again

and one last one--a book reveiw from the essayist thomas laquer on queers and post wwii germany--revel in his writing:
http://www.bookforum.com/laqueur.html
my vagina
it rises above my rib cage

riding my sternum
erect and regal

jackie kennedy and dressage
mine is more real then hers

she had kids, but
they were spawned
in space age pods

i have mess, mostly
can you imagine her bleeding?
then neither do i.

(second revision--last stanza fucked)
sent four photos to tim at vice today, for their anual photo edition (gay bears, upended transformer, balthurst alastain, and jacobsen residence)

also sent four poems to hats.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

i wrote a long, long essay about scm tonight, and there is a whole bunch of stuff that is moving around in my head about it, so i am going ot post excerpts i think.

talking to glenys last night, she told me how scared she was of raymonds self confidence--and i thot, i know that he has we need to work thru this, no bullshit, praxis praxis praxis model, and i admire that immensely, and use it--but i think that hes as anxious and worried about shit as the rest of us, just better at hidding it--its the core of the monkey robot debate--monkeys look unstable and alive from the outside, and robots look stable and well not dead, but not organicly alive either--but the robot wears out too. ive seen it. (less specatcualry then me). which is i think why i have to be careful about putting too much on his shoulders--balance in all things (a goal i have never reached)

and something i have been thinking about in regards to drew--east hastings, about 9 pm, was at this renoed, beautiful reclaimed studio/exhibit space in a poor semi industrial section of town...the artist as gentrifer is well written about, and i had a round about good time---but i walked out, down east hastings, and this area was as poor as poor gets--people selling refuse on filthy blankets for cash, and i didnt have two cents to rub together (but had the day before) but i was coming from this upper class event, and i looked posh enough...and about 5 minutes into my walk, there were these clean, whitesome and delightsome, shining baptists from maple ridge or environs...and they were handing out sandwhiches--and i had about three thots at the exact same time

1) well aint they colonisers
2) so are you
3) and they will leave, after gving people food, and when you are that hungry---it doesnt matter where you eat, it doesnt matter which nice baptists will feed you, just as long as you are feed--and the artists are much more likely to fuck you over.

its like being offered dates just underneath the john watch sign, or having a woman ask "wanna date, im really hungry"--and well, i have no problem with sex work, and i have no problem with the ten dollar blow job, and i just didnt have it--and i also thot, was there a better example of uncle michels parctipcon(sp) then the idea of john watch, citizen soilders so obessesed with other peoples vices that they photograph every encounter--and i thot i dont do enough about politics, but is writing about this, writing about john watch enough?

(the pin display i was telling about earlier, i saw them two times in 10 minutes, at the opening, and being sold by a homeless person a block away)

something else happened in vancouver--there was this guy, and he had a hard hustle (food, then money, then food), but he looked puppy dog sad, and fucking hungry--really, seriously, no shitting, hadnt eaten for a month hungry, and cold, and wanting someplace to eat--so we went to tim hortons, and he asked for a sandwhich, and then donuts, and then more donuts, and then a drink and he got about 12 or 15 bux out of me, and i felt really taken advantaged of me, and he was young, attractive, sort of a victorian waif horatio alger sk8tr punk--and i kept thinking and thinking about this--i could afford it more t hen he could, and he was slick because he was hungry, and it was moralistic of me to not give him cash, but i didnt want to be in vestibule with him, and my bank card and i assumed that the poor were criminal...good common sense or something else ?

&this is the weird thing--and this has happened several times, i had a big book with me, that i was half in the middle of, and the guy asked me if it was a bible, and asked me if i was christian or believed in god, and well i gave him my usual shrugging answer, and he assumed it was no, and i thot he must have a pitch for believers and not.

maybe my distate comes from my desire not to be sold to?

here are the excerpts:
the men i talk to think their bodies are too thin, too fat, their dicks are too
small, they are too hairy or not hairy enough,  they had bad
fathering, or no real role models and even if they were raised by
mothers, or with sisters, they get scared around the damage they have
done. The question then is a question of surrivors---how do be men
when men are villains. How do we be men, when our fathers leave, or we
are molested, or our sisters are raped, or our mothers work all day
and into the night. How do we interact with our bodies when we have
never been told about the nature of our copreality. how do we talk at
all, when everyone is so polite and kind and nice, but nothing is
really said. How do we be gentle, and when is it approite to be angry.
What is the difference between a cock, a penis and a phallus---is
there a proper place for all three ?

I have a penis a phallus and a cock. In certain  gender circles,
vagina is remembered as being a sheath for a sword…think of my cock as
the sword, as the cutting violent act. It is often sheathed in my
metaphorical vagina. Think of my penis as the thing that practical and
silly thing that does things with out thinking—it pisses and sometimes
it gets hard, but mostly it just settles bored.  Think of my phallus
as symbolic thrusting power. Phallus has no gender, phallus is assumed
by women, by transvestites, by transsexuals, by men—phallus is
genderless. Phallus is what happens when someone says no means no, or
when someone says fuck off, or someone says this is wrong, or when
someone says bullshit. Phallic aggression gets things done, phallic
aggression is angry. phallic aggression is the nuclear option of
activstis.

I am a messy boy—messy boys play with their
shit, they talk too much, they do not keep their hands in, they yell,
they demand too  much. Messy Boys should be punished. Good boys play
well with others, they are quiet to let the minorities talks, they
keep their hands close to their sides, they are quiet, they have no
demands. I am not a clean boy. I am not a good boy.

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i am a sixteen foot sasquatch.