neurotic but not pyschopathic, caring for people but realzing that you need more help, more attention, more care then the average bear, so being forever deeply paranoid about other people, about other peoples balance and care. leech stuff, again of course, some recent examples and paradox that come to mind.

martin and im, martin and money, martin and his exhastion w. me
glenys reconsidering the conference, glenys realizing that i should be more out with aspie, glenys misreading after 7 years, glenys telling me the only reason she can stand me is that she makes concessions for aspies, money.
major fuck up w. drew and well we are bored of each other i think.
worried about silly things w. ray like who phones who, upset that his sched trumps mine, which is stupid
trying to resurct realtionships, w. val, erik, jeff, dave but that is working less and less
stood up ashley again, i am not sure i like him as much as e likes me, and his respect for my work, well overblown
fucking lack of self esteem cripples.
how am i going to pay back 2400 bucks ?

stop worying!

also, i am not sure how to get back to toronto

http://www.yrnc2005.com/chairman_message_index.cfm
evil but hott and its at vegas, which might mean its the libertarians.

http://www.stylusmagazine.com/review.php?ID=3126
dwight review
(im really proud of this own)

called the national peanut queen for a story i was doing wrt agriculture queens, and bitch magazine, and i thot--the name is awkard and isolating, it does not connect well to making femminism acessiable, and its hip reclaiming of langauge leaves it for a pop academic progressive left

cy
for d

unlearn
thats what one needs to do
is unlearn

unlearn every mark
unlearn the delibrateness of childhood

unlearn the obsessive love
of markmaking, and unlearn
the desire for anything more
then poetic repersenting

and then maybe
you can learn again

its this zen thing

and andrew and drew--i can do 7.

and the five:

geoff stahl
chris p
rachel
lisa
d

mark sinker wanted me to answer these

How many books have you owned?
buying b/w 4 and 6 a week for 15 years or so, including gifts, splurges, and thrifts, i would say about 4000 or so, but that doesnt mean that i havent left a whole bunch on buses, sold large chunks when i needed space or money, gave dozens away, etc--my library tends to constantly circulating, right now, i have about 100-150 in Toronto, and 800 or so upstairs and downstairs here, maybe a bit less.

What was the last book you bought?
i bought a dozen a couple of days ago--6 gor paperbacks (sinker recommended them as sort of pulp delany), goethes book on young wether (because of barthes), hell angels by hunter thompson(i needed a copy), fruit machine by a quebcois queer critic (its quite good), vintage baker(nicholson), phillip jose farmer comp from the mid70s (read him now pat), and the 14th century italian school of whoredom (i collect porn). (raymond what you said about me being ecclectic, you win)

What was the last book you read?
a collection of kinky friedman essays about country music and presidents, plus a really funny and moving essay on heller

Name the five books that mean the most to you.
fuck this is going to be hard, they change all the time--but here it goes.

the complete gospels--edited by robert funk
i grew up with things added and things taken away from the bible, but also the belief of the inerrancy of the bible, so i walked this razor fine line for most of my childhood, and then i sort of gave up on the scriptures for a long long time, and i read this i guess in my second year of high school, and sections of it gave me a personal, intense realtionship to scriptures that i didnt get from either the canon or the apcoraphya---and it was an easy, trade paper back, cheap and easy to access, i know the problems with it, and i know its history, and ive read lots more about it, but as a beginning, it was helpful at best...
and the gospel of thomas is amazing, because it gives hope that if one thinks enough, one can puzzle things thru, i think that it made me a gnostic.

Complete Poems--Frank O Hara
every person who writes poetry now, wants to write like frank o hara, aand for huge portions, i ended up doign the same thing.

Birth of the Clinic--Michel Foucault
its one of thsoe things that burrowed so deep that i cannot write about it so much

Alice In Wonderland--there is a reason why the new book on queer children is called curioser. (and strangeness, and pseduo freudian sexual dynamics, and lush writing, and a sense of meloncholy sadness, and a certain anarchist upending, and those rackham illustrations.)

the bangers and mash series of elemetary readers--made me a life long anglophile.

mom had 6 months of bottles she was donating to the church scout troup, and the young mens leader was going to pick them up--and i was going to help him out and me and young mens leaders, they worked as fathers, as people to work the male element, in my life and i was in church last week helping mom with everything...and that was still the case,
when i went there
so we talked on the way to his house, and he gave me the grand tour of his house, and his kids, and he was so pround, in this middle class kind of way, that i found v. touching and very moving , and he showed me the car he was working on the back of his yard, and he was really really proud of how everything was going and well we then drove to the church, and put them there
and we went for a milkshake, and i just spilled, this huge hour long spurt, and this complicated unravelling of narrative and of god, and i went to quick too fast, and it was strange, wonderfully strange and i really worried that i isolated him
and after wards i wanked to him, to pissing beside him in a macdonalds bathroom, and i thot, why the fuck am i doing this--do i have to mediate any awkard personal phyiscal encounter sexually, esp. if it deals with men, can i not process male intimacy in any way but pining eroticism...and well that really scared me
and well i dont know what to do about that

2 hr conversation with teller, one of moms church friends, spent most of the time telling him my life story, why do i always feel the need to be held after things like this, feel the need for a priesthood blessing after an outlet.

eading both atwood and marcus at the same time, i get to this:

from marcus: not long into the future when the USA has come the republic of Gilead, a theocracy that has replaced the Constituion of the United States with the Bible, a slave sings forbidden music to herself:"i feel so lonely , baby/I feel so lonely babdy/ i feel so lonely I could die. She doesnt know where it comes from.

now elvis isnt reall about music anymore, he is everywhere, a white trash mystic, the colsest america has ever come to theresa d'avila, a sexualised miracuolus thing....and i imagine atwood-i like atwood, ive read a huge chunk of her work, but she strikes me as brittle, as opposed to popular culture, as against the idea of raptoous intervention.

thinking about the passage, about moving b/w divine and secualr pleasure; between race, class, pleasure, in a reflection that is so small and so tiny, she restores him---and restores the idea of popular culture as subversive...this seems so against her veign...her books tend to be white, middle class, self contained, unrelenting in how men and women examine power, hemegenious in a way that elvis wasnt--then why such a brilliant, if so slight (thats why its brilliant) few words that contain all of the mixed up buisess that peter gurlanisick manages to fail at over 1500

can you imagine atwood fucking, can you imagine her even listening to elvis, looking at her work, does it seem that she interacts wtih popular culture with anything but derision...

book work will end tonite

"I'm uncomfortable becoming the focus of this event, which left so many families in tragedy," she said in a news release. "But after prayerful consideration, I believe that God is calling me to use this opportunity to not only turn my own life around but also to inspire others to do that, too."

she was the one who saved her life by reading rick warren

What would render such return irrational?
An unsatisfactory equation between an exodus and return in time through reversible space and an exodus and return in space through irreversible time.
Joyce--Ithaca IIIc

its that day again,

connecting emily to merton, the hermit idea in america always includes reams of correspondance, a hermit cannot be well known and well written about w/o the paper peeking thru.

thinking of collins poem about undressing her, isnt ed naked, isnt her rawness, her devotion to imagery of flesh, sexual or at least sensusal, then the poem is a metaphor, not high class slash fiction, but what we need to do to ed (why do we need to do it to ed, she has done it for us.) thantoseros

in the authour note on emily, in burn break and blow, paglias book on poetry, she mentions the locked cabneint, but which poet is not secure about first drafts, why would they be in books, why the constant and never ending edits, her work is constantly worked over. (cannot find my copy of sexual personae)

is the idea of a writer w/o wanting a publisher real?

qoutes of what paglia says in break blow burn:

Because I Could Not Stop For Death:
deeply inspired by metaphyiscal poetry
"human beings waiting for the grim reaper or christ himself, who weilds a strike on doomsday" (98)

Safe in Their Alabaster Chambers
"Dickonsons usual four line stanza format, based on sturdy protestant hymn structures" (102)
{i am not sure i agree w. this) "They are meek b/c they were led like sheep in life and have now lost the ability to rebel. "Resuerction was their lure and grail." (103)

The Soul Selects Her Chamber
does not seem to notice the contradictions in the reading, b/w a call to hermeticism, and noticing the correspondance.
mentioning herbert. (worth approaching?)

about emily dickinson

im arguing that she was actually she was less of a recluse (ie her letters, her talking to family, her making the books into hand sewn books, her constant listening---cf jimmy stewart in rear window--then who is grace kelly), that he poetry connects to v. specfic religous tradtions (her families calvanist bent, her coming from hte same stock in the same place as edwards, her early family being in the same congregations, her readings), that her poetry has a theologians sevirtiy (the violence mentioned by pagilia among others is an update of the violence expected of christians, ie life is but a loaded gun is exactly like no one knows the hour of ones death), that she connectes to people like wigwood and edwards (did she read wigwood, has anyone made any studies of her readings, can i find a collection of works in her library) , and also that she was a regular reader of standard christian texts. (kempis of course, she worte about it in the letters, anything else) ..and also, perhaps she was percriptive.

more concentration in her poems on old testemant thot then new--is this fair?

books (54)

city of quartz--i feel like i want my writing to be like mike davis, wry, bitter, funny, eridute, and passionite, with a taste for obscure sources and syncretic thinking, his trilogy on LA is as good as was promised, endlessly qoutabel (well, this is the first and im 60 percent finished the second) the section on god cements and expands my thinking of it as a religous hub,

dead elvis--griel marcus necrologic study of the bones and ghosts of elvis, an athropolgic gris gris, worth reading, but he needs to qoute where he paraphrases and vice versa--his eviscaration of goldman sort of misses th epoint--elvis as a rotwesque, as a lurid, wild demon of excess, is a better and more interesting story then the good ol boy who loved his mother and grew up to piety--the forgotting of the corperal grotesquires of sainthood is something that needs to be noted.

hellfire--by nick tosches, if johnathon edwards was born in the 60s, and belived in accuracy of fact as much as accuracy of spirit--talked much about lewis's rejection of god, his viewing as a demonic force, and got me into his (amazing, and exhausting) country records of the 70s

reprinted mid80s contempary american poetry, didnt tell me anything i didnt know already.

skimed and scanned the two volume dictionary of nixon, but really thats all i needed (thouhg cause of my lack of reading of whole sections, doesnt count on the list. )

reading sinker on family vs nationalist concerns i rethink the peice in the inbox of robin at xwest--and how it rides the line against families, nuclear families, and marriage and all of that.

its like wanting to be married and have children is a borgie intervention, to use the most cliched terms on record, it is counter revoltuinary, those prone to up against the wall motherfuckerism of radical politics have to be careful, because the look is large, its about big politics, its guns or butter, as opposed to the lives we lead.

guilt comes in, i am not doing enough to solve the problems of the world, i am only doing the small and domestic--what comes in then, is to become revolting in day to day actions, and to remember, deciding how to decide about yr mother driving is as impt as finding out where your oranges are grown.

(is this a delusion?)

bad day and good day

got a peice in xtra west--an anti pride screed in the old body politic sense, i compared the entire fag population of WeHo to Paris Hilton.

mom was banged up in a fender bender, 4500 dollars in damages, and the guy was a total asshole--his fault, which means she is out of a job.

the world goes on.

there was a boy named matthew i met in victoria, last time i was there, a sailor and he drew, watercolours and pencil--mostly not bad, hes in lunenberg right now, and back to victoria a week ago.

and he sang billy bragg, in such a clear way, so close that it sent shivers up my spine, and i was talking about how much i found myself obsessed wtih california lately--and he saing help save the youth of america--and its s deeply silly song, and i know its silly, and i love the beach boys too much to take it seriously

but hearing him singing it--and then hearing a bootleg billy sing the internationale at some concert in belgium--w/o irony, with a suriety adn an earnestness and a devotion, and an openess, it was like all those atheists who love gospel, and the boy had the dying words of christ tattooed up and down his arms, and he believed in the social gospel of jesus christ--he believed in the father, and in socialism...

now im sure that bragg doesnt belive in god, but matthew did--and there is something in this shedding the snake skin of irony and post modernism and bricoloauge and pastiche and all the genre fucking, and singing as loud as you can something you believe in--and you know what--the internationale is actually not a bad coda (and neither are the more hippy sections of jesustalk)

its funny the dying words he chose werent eli eli lama sabach--they were into my hands i commend my spirit--which i never really found impt. the difference between the two of us then, was forsaking vs commendng, and there is something to be said about braggs accepting
anwering chuck on ilm

the best thing about the missouri/kansas peices, are that each county was asked to paint or decorate the model in a way that reflects the populaces aesthetics related to its geography

just look at his fucking website: http://home.att.net/~AllanMcNYC/projects.html

the colourful molds of the statues, the work on the dinsaour trails on utah, the geographical centering, hes from LA--i should never dismiss an artist until i do the theory.