thinking of johns praise band and realzing what i thought was straight ahead r&r was more then that, a constantly changing work, that suited the auidence and the preacher, who worked the same riffs over and over again, until they became signifigant or changing. this is important to my understanding of whats happening there, i just cannot place it.

email from out of the blue from a buddy who disappeared...nice.

clarifcation from yesterday about the two faced thing-i'm a gay christian, something i live w. , w/o the conflict it confuses some people

write a peice on the roman catholic priesthood advocating celibacy- get the back page in the opinon section, write smut(esp. using the line "butch gods with cocks like tree trunks"- get yr mug plastered in the teaser, have old buddies stop and gush. (although two people i know have commented out of the blue on the r/c thing) (which makes me worry-what do the people who like the celibate preist hood thing think of the cockpeice and vice versa, i mean do i have to belive every word to be a good writer, if i am confused and write a peice of advocacy, am i a hypocrite- am i being honest to my audience ? )

working on another fag peice- this time comparing the recent outing of our anon. ball player and the "gay marriage" of the two wrestlers. its all about the autehnticity of idenity compared with the politics of spectacle, it aint gonna fly at the gateway, anyone want it ?

btw, nath and mark both like my blog-which makes me feel stupid, because all it is is self indulgent ranting-come here you two and give me mad hugglez-yes thats a word.

Went to john’s church on Monday, after not going to bed on Sunday night, johns church is the evangelical one.

Go in and its lit like Vegas, praise band playing loud- sound check etc.

Start up, singing dancing praying the usual stuff.

Sermon from a preacher in Velasquez- wanted volunteers to go up to the front, and I want up. Object Lesson about Matthew 25:6 (speaking of which that chapter is my favorite in the gospels)- for those w/o bibles in hand its the one about talents, anyways, it was a cute lesson, sat down his cadence got stronger and my heart got weaker, I cried and I felt like I was losing control- he asked after praying over the congregation if anyone wanted to be blessed- disappointed I missed the altar call last week went up, got up waited in line- this pastor (Greg-first names only, his wife’s name is Linda. ) blessed me, told me I was a man of great worth, told me I was a five talent man, told me god loved me, told me that I would be great in the eyes of the lord my knees buckled and I collapsed, laying on the floor, hearing nothing, though I know the band was still playing, seeing nothing.


I got up and went back to my seat and sit and thought.




I had been up 18 hours at that point, everyone was being blessed- and it was a time of great emotion- everyone I think felt the same way, or I thought they did- anyways fall always makes me worried about God and introspective


Later that night I got a ride home from one of johns friends, and he like john asked the money question (he also asked a dozen other questions that were frankly none of his business, but I answered them and the money question bothers me the most, you know where do you get yr cash sort of thing) I don’t talk about money, it wasn’t done in my house- john asked the question too.

(Side note- I think john is uncomfortable with me- maybe it’s the gay thing, maybe it’s the two faced thing, I look two faced to some people, I struggle with a multitude of situations and am never sure of a solution, many possibilities entertained at the same time, it may also be finances)

Earlier in the day I met a handsome man at a record store, a man I want to sleep with desperately, and gave him mix cads- we met a week earlier and I was telling him all about Scott Walker and momus- not sure if he's queer maybe a bit too forward- he told me about his coke dealing brother and his divorced parents though- * shrug *

So that’s my life, men I want to sleep with in the afternoon and Jesus is lord type in the evening.

I have been proud of my nyplm writing of late

This is a local story on the matter.

Three Students from the Alpha Gamma Rho Frateritny in Oklahoma city had a costume party. Complete with a klu klux klan clad man lynching a man in black face, with a man dressed in a confederate bandana watches. Fuck- How can American University Students do this, have they not been educated since birth about Racism and Slavery and all of those injustices ? Maybe I had good parenting. The other thing is that they were not expelled or even punished that much. This makes me sick, physically ill.

some closeted a hole baseball player sort of kind of came out in out this week, its awful and self indulgent. if your queer tell the world or dont-please try to avoid writing anon. bitchfests in national rags

sending some files to an online buddy, i figure that the RIAA will never suceed. Kaaza will die, but AIM won't and a genuine file sharing program is building up from the roots.

This is Absurd

First Christian Cheerleaders, Second American Idol, Third Videotaping, Fourth,What the Fuck is Worldliness.

talking to fearsome via aim, i remember i need to link him since he linked me- thinking about adding comments, writing about queer ethics and the wwe, and crying along to 69 love songs.

Two weeks ago I was invited to an evangelical church service for youth between the ages of 24 and 35, now I couldn't make it last week-but feeling guilty about denying an invitation, I made it this week.

I did it out of politeness, as a fellow Hebrew scripture student said come, and I did it out of curiosity- a certain writers instinct that this would be worth at least 500 words, and I did it out of an intellectual curiosity, and I did it because Jesus and I have not been on the best terms of late.

It took me an hour to get their by bus, and the church looked like an ancient, decaying convention center, with red velveteen cushions on the pews- I spent the first hour listening to a good praise band- they played rock and roll, in that most basic bass, drum, guitar, keyboard set up, and I sort of started grooving, but also writing a draft in my head, taking note of things I wanted to mention- their was a call to offering and I put my name on a visitor card, and I was doing all that cult watch shit my father taught me- then everyone sat down, and there was a sermon, there was in this hour a call for all the new people to put their hands up, and another about guests coming forward.

This sermon started like any hipster does, bad anecdotes about airplanes and questions asked to the audience, I answered two questions- cause I knew the answer - and I was all of a sudden noticed, something I was trying to avoid- the sermon had scripture by power point, something I would usually mock, but I really didn’t feel my cynicism or winking irony I usually have to survive these situations.



Then something happened that I cannot explain at all, he finished his sermon, and the band started up, and I left- I was weeping outside, and I didn’t want to be conspicuous, after I came back-there was an altar call, and I felt imprinted to go to the front of the church- I felt blank and happy, like how the spirit of god is described in conversion literature, my head shut off and I felt a strong desire to go to the altar and be cleansed- like all of my sins, and all of my actions others consider sins-would disappear, and I would be happy and joyous and forever in the arms of Christ Jesus. I have been unusually quiet today, and is feeling deeply confused

i grew up mormon, and was excommunicated. i was v. v. angry for a long time, and recently i have gotten over my anger and felt a certain nostalgia for the faith. its the earnestness and the belief that they are changing the world-but also a commitment to community that i rarely see in other places-you need someone to move you the church is there, you need a job-the church has an employment centre, you need food- there is a welfare cannery to provide you with the basic needs until you are back on your feet.

there is virture there.
( this comes from coming home with mormons straight from scripture classes, they are on the same bus and they read the bible, and are pleasently shocked when i know what they are talking about.

lecture with a visting german artist, reception following- three glasses of wine, 7 smoked salmon crouquettes, talk w. the artist, gossip about modernism, and blair handing out my review of the show like party favours. fucking fun i had.

The wife of Tyco CEO, who is under investigation in congress, had a birthday party costing 2.1 million dollars american. A highlight was the realsize replica of Michealangelos David in ice. His penis pissed vodka

Got a real letter from rosemary on afroken stationary, will get my defense of preistly celbiacy oin the newspaper on tuesday-though i am still struggling with mechanics, tom says that my long peice on the geopolitics of morissey will come out this weekend on Freaky Trigger ( i compare him to norma desmond), i mock josh about foccult at fearsome pirate and hope he is not too offended.

I have a catholic canoe retreat on sunday but its only three hours of canoeing and the rest is icebreakers,group discussions,praying,eucharist,the bishop talking et. al. I thought it would be four hours of canoeing, then an hour of lunch/religion and then four hours of canoeing. i haven't canoed all summer, i love canoeing more then life itself- three hours is like foreplay w/o intercourse

i think i am happy. though writing about arts for adam is a struggle.

i am open-minded!




How indie are you? test by ridethefader

You're pretty knowledgeable about music in general. You like indie music, sure, but that's only part of it.
You'll listen to any old shit as long as it sounds good to you. You're not snobby about music at all, you
just like what you like. How boring. Curiously, this makes you popular with the same sex.

editoral in-decided to stop caring,if it goes in it goes in

sorry this has all been writely of late,



i in the last three days, I've had 4 religous conversations-two with fundementalists about queerness, this is unusual.

what is the universe trying to tell me?

flipping thru the tube tonight, all i see is documentaries about 9/11 and new york.. what about washington or philedphia ?

I didnt write a reveiw of swimfan, submitted two woefully flawed cd reviews (spelling and puncuation), fucked up on an interview today(which may have been a simple misunderstanding) and felt out of place at meetings, i think i may be subconciously sabtoging my career at the gateway

got a cd review in, pleased the phrase fret wankery stayeed, but it isnt one of my best peices.

a good editoral didnt go in-i think its dense and first persony, maybe thurs.

have to add and edit the moz peice for ft, doing research for an essay and the essay (cleo and iannana-surrounded by women, if ever such)

been feeling tired and meloncholy, and things are bumbled because of it, drinking too much as well.

i talked to adam, my editor at the gateway today concerning a folk cd that i reviewed

its folk, traditional and mostly about farming and i started with a personal anecdote.

when writing crit, i rarely use the first person but he fit and he agreed calling it a nice segue(sp).
he then asked me to cut it .

if its a nice segue and a well written peice, what's the problem ?




also the oxford annoted bible is the best translation i have found.

maintaing the majesty of the king james , the populism of the niv, the flow of the new revises standard version and adding recent hebrew scholorship. the bottom 1/4 of the page is filled with footnotes for almost every page, showing the reasons and sources for translations