revealtions i had yesterday (wankish title, isnt it--wait till you see the formatting)

Newman

They are all the same kind of people--white, middle class, charasmatic. Cradle Catholics do not traditionally have a strong cathecisis(sp). The services for SALT make it look protestant, with the singing and the handclapping. I cannot go in there like a bull in a china shop and affect change. It is unfair of me to ignore what has worked, to do what i wish to do. If i keep viewing it as an obligation I will not get the joy that I so seek. The catholic church is wide and their is a multiplicty of discourses, those discourses are not being reflected. milk before meat. millstone arround your neck rather then mislead the children. not truly beliving my own propaghanda.

Catholic Sex and Marriage

Kieslers a femminst, and a liberal, she should out herself as those two things. The class is evangicals and consertaive catholics;mostly women. I am worried that it is unsafe, but i cannot call myself devoted to post modern ideals if i do not listen. Im smart, know my shit, am theory heavy (there is a leonard cohen poem about him having an erotic dream, the last line is something like "at last the spirit has begun to do the heavy work"--theory has done the work for a long time for me, more and more it has taken over practice. Celibate b/c of theory, the ultimate scholastic consquence. Have a crush on one of the men in the class and want to kill the other one. Feel like i am bragging. Feel isolated (but lately i have felt isolated from everything) Feel disruptive. Feel ego driven.

Kappa Alpha

Its a frat, boys together watching butch tv, playing games of their own device, wearing conserative suits with white shirts and subtly patterned ties (one of them looked like kevin guy luke--but bizzarely there was not a whole not of erotic tension (ie i did not eat my lasgnae and blueberry pie or drinking kool aid while dealing with a raging hard on.) there was much gossipping about girls and gfs in a ironically detached way attempting to avoid how they really feel. elbarte songs, including god save the queen (the last time i sang that was in london with a bunch of republicans, each verse a spit on the old coloinal bitch--the last vs. being esp. odius because of the wily foriegner and the we are victims and not victimizers implications) they all addressed each other by last name, all the virtues of sjsa and whitman realized; the boys boarding school genre of film come close in a sort of what is real/what is art surrealism. i wasnt queer or an aspie or a liberal or a catholic or anything but a boy; i was subsumed in a tsunumi of white male privelege.

Gateway

not the token fag any longer, more of the "gateway family" (in the words of phillip larkin--"they fuck u up yr mom and dad", family here is not positive) blog was read religously last year by at least 6 of the editors, they might still do. (Adam does). The comments were a way for me to acknowedge that readership which did not occur. insutations that i was mocked for the blog, but perhaps mocked was the wrong word. Aside from the blog, i wonder if i am talked about behind my back, my status is in question and im a little miffed. Am getting along really well with Adam, like Heather (never going to write another art article for her again though, more acessible ?!, might start writing news or taking photos.) bryan asked if something that took so long to be accepted was worth the effort, and i think that i shot myself in the foot the first year and a half...calmness now has come, an awareness of how large a personality i have.

as for the blog.
fuck censorship, if people want to read about the banalities of my personal life, they shall.