Shitty weekend, to cap off a shitty month. Missing personal news from me im sure, so here is a brief rundown.


Jeff

Hasn’t called me in weeks, off to Calgary with his main squeeze this weekend, need to go down, said he would talk to me if he did. Mildy pissed, no real reason to be

God

Avoided church for weeks, haven’t really been to mass, haven’t been to morning prayers, done the saints thing as needed, churlish and exhausted at her, really.

Black Dog

Back with a vegence. Makes me a chore to be around, blows things out of porption, makes me want to avoid the real world.

Gateway.

Fired me. My Fault. Fucked up a feature’s photos and a news story, not the best communicator, a bit obtuse, not the style they want or need. Always wanted to be part of the family, thot I was, realized I was mostly being mocked. Stil not sure how I feel, and I think they read this, so my worst vitriol will be saved for later. (censoring content to make sure the plebes get it, I can be a gateway writer after all—ok not all of the vitriol has left)

Comp Lit

26 per cent on the mid term, not going to class as often as I should, got cornered into going to ssds so that they can charge me to get the special services, feels like a scam, but then it always does. Wonder if my conflating aspie with moral failing is a scots presybterian thing.

Christian Sex and Marriage

Kieser loved my essay, got it in under the wire, seemed pleased to see me, always a touch of teachers pet around me, should work on that , its marriage week and I’m not sure how much of it is hating breeders and how much of it is feeling discomfort and how much of it is genuine concern about how the instuiton is run, but having the discussion tomorrow will be unpleasant.

Aspie.

Churchill wants me to be more concetious about my condition, to feel less guilt about it. I went to disability services this week and am trying not to think of it as special privileges, but as level playing fields. As out as I am about almost everything else, I am deeply quiet about my aspergers, the article in the journal made me deeply scared & it is interlaced with self loathing. I fear it is laziness and coasting instead of medicine.

Bryan

Bryan and I are having the same arguments about being a solider and the nature of violence/power we did three months ago. He wants to be a soilder, I think he is capituling to a corrupt power struggle. He was cruel today, when I said that I prayed for him, he replied, don’t ask yr god to do me any favours, but then I have been cruel to him, refusing to acknowledge the thot that goes into his philosophy, thinking that it is little more then comic fueled adolscent wish fulfillment. I want the 9 to 5 job. I want to work at Richmond mini. Having him give up stability for some nihilist pipe dream seems fucked up. But then I read celine at 15, and gave it all up at 20.

Suicide.

The only reason I haven’t done anything drastic this month is exhaustion.

Chris

18 phone calls to venues, 16 nos, 2 maybes, need something today. Thinks that I will fuck it up, today is do or die, don’t want sean to be around for meeting him, scared that the house isn’t good enough, the food wont taste decently, that everything will be awkard, etc. general social anxiety but pretty fucking heavy.

Dear Catosprhe Waitress.

Belle and Sebastion’s latest, k-good. Trevor horn sure knows how to make things catchy. Track 4 and Track 10 v. v. good. Good to hear Lord Anthony out side of a bootleg, bit of a mag fields feel. Need to add them to a top ten im doing for stylus re:stealth Christians.

Testimony.

Should come out this week, may be a bit of pr, Andrew will be back from van on tues. will ask him.

$

peprutally short, overspending, fucked up banks, miscommuncation and a need to budget better.