drunk

i wrote this as a comment on heathers blog, but i felt like i should write it here

my mom had a heart attack last week. she waited two days to tell me. she waited 3 hours to call aj. she didnt think it was that bad. i was home often so i could cajole her into going to the hospital, or seek help. i talked to her last night, and she has agreed, if it gets worse, to go to a seniors home.

she already has someone to help her with her bath three days a week and a house keeper once a week, she already has a commode in case she cannot go to the toilet. she already has a walker, and has been on long term disability long enough totake the buy out. she is now on a dozen meds, with co-pays up to 25 dollars.

she is not vain physically, but she is vain emotionally,or intellectually. she told me that she was being stupid by not calling the ambulance,by assuming the heart attack wasn't so bad.

she went to the grey nuns--what the fuck is it with sending people to the grey nuns.

its weird, because i try not to be generous, because generous suggests a heriachy, i try to be just, to create community, like my mother does and my aunts do, and my grandmother did, but i fail, and i try really hard to be cavalier about it, but the one two punch of Florie and Trudy dying, the last two matriachs in my life--old school crones in the best, most mythologically apt use of that word, i think i have yet to handle it.

i guess what i am saying, and i hope that this anecdote doesnt appear too selfish, is that it seems that it takes women longer to die, and they die in more indignity then men do, and the community suppourt is rarely there. we fail our matriachs