the boys had a house party, then v for, then frans...its not their fault, and its pretty constant contact, and its emails, phone calls, and we are as close as we can, and we are working my ass to get me out their, and yet, here, 2 feet of snow in the last few weeks, still snowing, cold and miserable, ive been really really depressed...

today is the lonliest, the most desperate ive been all winter, the closest ive gotten to the worst of the royal alex, toronto western days.

the perverse thing is that with sucidal ideation, it makes it easier, there is a way out, from isolaion, desperation, exhaustion, etc...there is a release to thinking about killing one self.

i havent engaged in sucidal ideation, its not an option, with mom being sick, etc, so it gets worse, there is less and less of a release, and i sort of fall into my own entropy/needieness/anger/depression.

i need to clean the house, i need to sweep, mop, pick up the laundry room and my bedroom, which are getting so bad that i cant move with out jumping, clean my sheets, all of that, and its just not happening, since the double funeral, and the next big snow dump, i do what i need to do, i keep working, keep skating, but i barely have it together, im crying right now, and gerard said he would give me a ride out tomorrow, to the city and i like gerard but i dont want to be a hassle, i never want to be a hassle,

i cancelled lettner 4 times this week, because of buses and also because i couldnt handle seeing new people, and gerard has gone out of his way to let himself in, which i need but yeah...

im depressed, not the low grade fever that usually moves thru, but a hard, cold, obilette kind of thing, a box w/o breath holes