sometimes its really subtle, and sometimes its really fucking obvious (like a therapist saying women suffer from depression in way x, men in way y) but all of my foccoult/laing/butler/kraus/gilbert/ruether is coming straight into the surface, and its not really helping me interact w. people... (that and being worried that peoples problems are much worse then mine, and so what i am doing whining when x or z happens)

(and because im drugged into docility most days. all of this shit is internalised, and so the the anxiety comes out unprocessed. (i used the word estrangement, and i really do feel estranged)

(its weird being in a group, and having them talk in ways that are so different from yrs that you cannot keep up, and you worry about being dragged down the rabbit hole)

(im starting to kind of meet people, say hi to them, that sort of thing, and the task group, where i sort or pound or shape, body things unrelated to thinking, relaxes me in a way the drugs cant)

(ever since ive been in the double, ive been on serequal to sleep, which makes it worse)

(i also really dislike the affirmation nonesense, every day its something like say something good about yrself---it doesnt fucking matter how good or bad i feel about myself as long as the work is getting done, and it sure as hell isnt, i dont need this to be some kind of teddy bear lets all hug kumbaya bullshit)

(and you cant really t alk to the nurses about it, because you are labeled oppostional, except my day nurse for the last couple of days, who has a habit of being both patronizing and obsessed with small rules/authority--i fucking loath her.)

also, ray, yr getting an ashtray.