Talking to dr mills today, he basically said that they didn’t have a diagnosis, and that they were just treating symptoms, I didn’t bother asking symptoms of what, I keep thinking that im too fucked up to fix, or at least the fixing that could be done, has been done, for aspies, etc.

so im stuck with where im at, and ive known this for a while, but coded, or personal discoursing fleeing into unofficial discourse is impt. And it was kind of freaking me out, making me sad what ever, I got really upset about ity, but im slowly realizing its almost as if I have defeated the medical model, I have conquered the pysch system…I should get a badge with uncle michaels fist on it.

my status in groups has been in jeopardy, b/c I have been having more fall down and go booms, chair flying, etc, and they are worried about the safety of the group, and I have destablised too quickly, the thing is that I am never stable, I keep being asked my thereputic goals, and I don’t know what they are (except maybe to get one straight answer from one of my therapists, and not have them pawn me off on another nurse or another doctor or whatever), and I wonder if this lack of therputic goals, and then spending a month picking on every scab extant was really the best way of going about things.

thats maybe the other thing, being too fucked up to fix can be compared to the radical decentering, the post bear or post queer discourses that surround my sexuality or the sort of catholic sort of anglican linguistic/power games w. jesus that I am settling around my head, in the sense that my personhood, for the last few years has been radical fractured, and that fracturing has become a fecund, thing…maybe this is the last step in my mental health, if I can view my sex, my gender, my god, my family as ambigious and detached to personhood, maybe there is nothing wrong w. who I am as a person, that the depression or the anxiety or the sucidial ideation will come, or it will go, like dickinsons poem about frigates, and to expect their arrival is futile…maybe going onto another program will be futile

& so the best thing about group then, is figuring out other people, hearing other peoples stories, finding sympathy and love for the other (because everyone has an other) and having that fracturing be able to anchor others. That dialectic is the hard part, or not dialectic, but the negation b/w the constant fracturing of self and keeping everyone together.