three am tenderness with bryan- i dont know what i want to do with myself, why am i writing little poems, and art crit when the world is starving. i am wotking for other people, my review work is not directed enough.

im smart and i think academically, so why is the academia so hard for me.
maybe im not smart, i dont think im smart, but people keep telling me i am.

aaron wants to see my poems, and thats nonesense, i cant see myself showing them, but i will, because i suck up praise like a vampire.
what is good about my poetry i think, is how i mix the high and low, like the poem below-which is the first ive written about kevin, and im not sure is good, or i think has problems, when i show bryan my poems he has all these pretty words of praise.

we took photos in the dark yesterday, night photogging is a pain in the arse, and much more difficult, and i am not v. good at it-it took me a year and a half to be passable on the composition with the point and shoot, and its going to take some time to work out light and all that techincal shit on an slr.

at dennys last night with bryan and pat and danielle, i realized that i wasnt really a fanboy-or my fanboydom was clowes and crumb, argento and lewis-ie once again im a white tower snob, realizing that in dennys is a humbling experience.

today i said my morning prayers, and couldnt find myself past the line concerning trespasses, the attack shattered who i am as a christian, made me come into full awareness that a life like christ ends in crucifixion. im meeting fthr stephen-i had a panic attack with the bible study, calling and then cancelling, and then calling back and rescheduling, i went and felt uncomfortoble until i was there long enough-i am finding that i disagree with much of all of their theology, but like them as people.

matthew 3:8 was brought up again, read it.

i realized today that everyone had direction, and i was lost.
i realized everyone thot they would die when they were old, i cant imagine living after 50.