Last year was a series of disasters, and i found my engery disappting at every obstacle. i found my will towards pleasure seeping out , i found my want to eat and fuck disappear. i found myself feeling like water circling, the last km in a marthon, choose yr cliche/metaphor. i berated myself for drinking too much and not going to church and falling away from my sister, for not having enough freinds or not being queer enough



well this year i am doing something about it. i am starting to eat three meals a day, and enjoying eating them . Sitting down with the food chart you got in grade four and counting how many servings of each you need. Maybe i wont lose weight but i realized that it wasnt about weight , it was about using food to fill holes, yeah its oprah butsometimes she is right .




i am also going to quit fearing rejection, at school today they were selling tickets to a social for world youth day, i made excuses, played politics. i wanted to go but i was afraid of being alone in a strange bar , half drunk . pathetic etc , well i am going back to sub and buy a ticket and not worry .




I have stopped drinking because it is there , as a mormon i was taught that drinking was evil so it still has this patina of adult sophistaction, its absurd that i fell awkard ordering milk instead of wine at dinner , i will no longer do that , i won't feel an odd adloscent obligation,




I set up a meeting tomorrow w. Father Bitner, i chose to be catholic and if i feel it is no longer releavent i need to analyze why and not blame it on ennui or domestic tragedy . i feel closer to an athesit these days and i am not Antole France , so its time to talk to a FAther and hash this out , and work past all the other raodblocks that i have set up, how many times can i brusie my knee before i see it .




my sister and i since january have gotten closer , we are both or both seem calmer . and thats what i am working towards ,a calmness .