the bank machine ate my card and i have no id on me, i need money for bus pass etc. have money in account. no acess.

that fight ruined my fun. dinner w. sean and taras wedding and dinner with glenys peter david and grame, a long food fueled three dats of entertainment ruined by one man yelling at how much he wanted me out of his house, and all of my rational arguements about notice and suits went out the window.

trying to gain order and power, a bellicose man yelled at me today, yelled that i was just a boarder, yelled about my sins,. this was the house that i was supposed to get room and board in, and the house where i showered at the uni, did laundry at the laundrymat and ate out to avoid her and him, this was the house i came home at 1 am to avoid them , this was the house where i borrowed the phone and the land lady left notes after every pecadiallo, this was the place where she was rude to my guests, telling them that i wasnt home when i was, this was the house where a cheque bounced under mysterious circumstances, where i broke a window and a bed, where she didnt answer my questions. this is a house where the owner kicked me out two days before christmas, this was a house where i was never sure how but always sure i fucked up. this was a house where i loved the neighbourhood, close to the mall and the library, equidstatn b/w downtown and campus. this si another house i failed at.

also taras wedding then dinner with glenys today. more later.

at home, kicked out. shame.

to make up for it, here is a picture of me holding a two foot dildo

dinner with sean from toronto, he bought me dinner, and a cd (MOMUS TIME LORD, CREATION RECORDS CA 1996, PIERRE ET GILLES COVER, FIVE BUCKS)
wandered arround whyte snapping pics, talking, gossipping. had a good time- met capri on the street. im happy.

i looked at this really nice place today, but its 359 and a share a studio, and a small studio at that. has a pool and a gym, which i will never use, and a study room, which i will never use and a movie theater which i may use.

herb ritts died today at the age of 50, from causes that may be aids related.

i forgot my cds in steves car, which means there wwith tom, which means he has to shuck them arround hells 1/2 acre. i take advantage of that boy.

O Taste and See

The world is
not with us enough.
O taste and see

the subway Bible poster said,
meaning The Lord, meaning
if anything all that lives
to the imagination's tongue,

grief, mercy, language,
tangerine, weather, to
breathe them, bite,
savor, chew, swallow, transform

into our flesh our
deaths, crossing the street, plum, quince,
living in the orchard and being

hungry, and plucking
the fruit.

Denise Levertov 1971

Steve asked me whether i would perfer heaven or a loaf of bread in the context of a larger discussion of the social gospel.
all i thot about was this poem, finally becoming clear.

i know that a quince is good, i have made jam from them
i know that a plum is good, i have written poems about them and admired there dusky glean
i know that crossing the st. to see a friend, to get to my location, to not die from traffic is a daily miracle.
i savor these, chew them and perhaps they have transformed me.

i know that tangerines are good, the blog you are reading is named for them
i know that weather, all weather and its patterns on me, and on the world and the changes they have made are not bad
and i know that grief and sorrow will have comfort, and that langauge sustains me.

i can taste all of this, the sour apple bite of quince, the succulence of plums, my boots on ashphalt, the bitter spike of citrus, the feeling of wind or rain or snow or cold or sun, the coppery stomach ache of grief, all are tangible.

what isnt tangible to me, and perhaps levertov is god
levertov the daughter of an hasid who converted to Anglicanism was caught b/w god and the world,
and so the fevour that creates a will to not only change but encourage others to change thru mass media and propghanda may be confusing.

she could taste and see that all sorts of blessings were good, but the lord was the last great intaglible.
for me too.

i had an arguement with steven on the ride down about trent lott, where i argued that he was an asshole with a long history of racism aand that racism was engrained,while steve argued that he was doing a favour for a mentor, and had not meant to be racist- doing some research i found this :
this

a bunch of people i dont know upstairs, me downstairs listening to momus. they are rich, absuredly rich, yuppies, more money spent on one gift to a cousin then i spent on all of my family. i feel like shit, i dont belong here, this is not me. im ugly and poor and tired of all of this fake jovailty. i hate christmas, i do not like my family. all i want to do is get drunk, furthering my trip to oblivion. i have had heard 5 or 6 homophobic comments in the last three days and hadnt said a word.

this is supposed to be about the birth of christ, but there is nothing religous here, a post modern christmas, done b/c it is expected. a pagan cermony to consumerism and excess. at least the booze is good and free.

drunk at uncles holiday party, havent seen him for 4 years, goods chinese from pink pearl, happy. his art collection is good to great.

in andrews room, at his machine, listening to rufus wainwright, its 4 am, im sick and tired and cold and reading christian apologetics. i need god and i dont want to need anyone.

i got evicted, a long storm brewing, came to head over laundry. im sad, b/c i failed. im angry, at myself and at lorna and at the world.

Balthus and Pierre de Kowassiki(sp) are brothers and both artists, that said the work of Balthus is v. modern-as much as he wants to avoid it- he was a bit heremetic post the surrealists, but you can pick out the dali/magritte/di chircho etc connections, and even if you couldnt, you would time it to the 20th century-its colour and its subtle phrasing, its allusions to terror, its obsession with innoncence.


Kowassiki is different- he made drawings in graphite and colored pencil, tennous delicate things filled with pervisions that seem out of place now- the aristocratic lady lording her power, the fear of clergy, certain scatology, that seems to realted to the 18th century satirists (Swift,Voltaire) and pornographers (Masoch, de Sade, Rosseu and his obsessions with flogging)rather then the 20th century terrors. In fact he illustrated gullivers travels, making it less of a childrens book and more of a piss take.



if you look at Balthus you know he is 20th century, fearful of admitting it, but there. If you look at Kowassiki (whose name ive mispelt)
he is so hermetic that seeing a drawing of barthes or the date 1990 becomes shocking. (Balthus was the better painter techincally for whats its worth, Pierre never got over his awkardness)

jason coates was my sci. teacher, i rember learning alot and forgetting it all- plate techtoncis, weather, he almost failed me. never spanked.

is qouting burton and proust and mailer and mishima, a way to avoid the wds being my own, a way to talk in code ?

after the sjsa christmas concert i met jason coates, i made a point of using his first name.

coates knew me in grade 8, he was kind and handsome in a safe. blonde way and i fell in lust with him, jacking off to his visage, my hard prick a compus, his face colmbus and the new world

he never knew, never did anything, was kind to me, and that was all i needed

seeing him again, in that same white shirt black pants way i felt differently

i dont need to prove myself, cheif fag at pr-cup, presenting a paper in la in august, making money writing, doing well in school- but seeing him- my joy almost dissapted, repalced with an eagerness- for apporval, for love, for him to hug me and tell me it was all ok

he didnt turn me on in the same way as he did when i was 14, it was a proustian memory now, and seeing his wife, with a child, proving to me that his fertility was used as fecundity was moving



i drove by the school coming home from van in nov, someone-not me- corrected my email and added my blog- maybe jason is reading this

no one else was there from my class, even the staff was rare- belton has become an anglican priest, weaver has disappeared to toronto, mcnaugtaun is in coquitlam, gebers in mexico and the man who destroyed me is back in the mideast, where he seems to go every 3 years or so, Richard Burton travelling to Arabia, w/o the anthroplogical exuse



after sjsa, a drink at new city where nirvanna and elvis and the ramones all played on the juke box. and then called daniel-where we went to whyte, she met thomas- called him sedate, which he is/nt depending on the day- old life and new life got along famously, after that sushi at toyko noodle house and books from wee book-sophocles recopmmnded by dana, swifts collected poem, more filthy then gullivers travels and a cub scout manuel which i collect

about the rant against god, i dont know wether i belive it, and really it was a rant against humanity. i am conflicted about man, cynical and angry at its evil, hoping that it will turn out to be good. im lonely and want to retreat from everyone, and this retreat never seems to work. thomas called my signatue tidal, and i feel like that, like the beach who wants to be shrouded by water permantly, to be drowned in it, but just when the drowning becomes comforting, it retreats. i go to parties, and drink so that i can be honest with my feelings w/o lying. i construct defenses, apodt personaes, mishima called his biography confession of the mask and it feels like i am barely taking of the first mask, maybe i will figure it out, maybe it will all be ok, maybe i will learn balance, not the aestic/aesthic pendulum which i swing on, but a genuine love of man and god and myself.

im listening to kristy mccoll singing fairy tale of new york, and im heading south on 12/23 and i dont want to go, i want to be alone, away from god and man, but thats this week.

next week ill be all about humanity.

thinking about the party last night in the sober light of day, i am more ocnfused. wojeck took his clothes off, and did push ups in a room with two other me, me included, i helped him get dressed later, doing his belt up, i rested b/w his knees and he rubbed my back, somewhere arround 5 am, he sober and me drunk, i got a ride home from him, there was a component of eros that surrounded him, and his interactions with me, and another woman at the party, that siad there was something else there, something that moved past eros and into primal grooming-i realized that i missed touch, the after and before of sex, not the actual fucking.

i have a crush on wojeck, a boy i met at the party i am @. he and i pissed in the same toilet bowl , except i got a hardon, and couldnt piss, and then i sat b/w his leg and we got drunk on champers and then vodka and tonnic, passing the bottle together like a drunkard, its like the old joke: "whats the difference b/w a straight boy and a gay bot, ? a 6 pack.

I met with the lds bishop on Tuesday, and then the stake president on Wednesday.
After meeting with the bishop I got loaded, and I stormed out of the meeting with the stake president, calling his religion bullshit, and telling him to fuck it.

Glenys had friends over when I called her, and she asked if they remembered me, and they replied the gay catholic in the pink shirt.

On the day of Our Lady of Guadeloupe, they prayed for “unborn children” rather then those born and hungry, and the fathers and mothers and communities that work towards feeding those who are hungry.

That quiz I took with twenty-five results and each of them not much different from the last.

I was told that I could not receive the gifts of the Holy Ghost, and I am in awe of this world.

God is cruel, and Christ was not the pleasant man we like to imagine and the dependence on both of them as opposed to any other person, as opposed to family and friends suggests he is less then confident.

I am taking a Christian scripture course in the winter, and everyone is so sure of the glories of their god, of their view of god, and me-well I am not even sure I want god around, I am not even sure god exists.

I’m over my nostalgia for the lds church.
I’m tired of the internecine fighting of protestant denominations.
I don’t want to think about catholic churches history and misery.
I don’t want to part of a world where stoning someone for adultery is a good idea, or excommunicating them, shunning them, shaming them.

I have begun to think that religion causes nothing but discord and sorrow.
I want to reject god.

I find myself angry at the cruelty and capriciousness of the lord, or those who call in the lord’s name, and what mailer said about the Shoah and God has come to my head

He told that b/c of the Shoah, b/c of the horrors of man, that there were tow options, either that god was not omnipotent or if he was, then he didn’t care.

It seems such a cliché to be an atheist b/c you cannot reconcile suffering, but I have become exhausted from seeing suffering as a good thing, as a spiritual exercise.

I want the soul to reside in the belly, and not in the head.
There are people who think that all of their blessings come from god and all there curses come from Satan, I don’t want to believe that.

I want to believe that we conquer our animal natures out of necessity
I want to believe that to be human is to conquer our desire towards hatred and anger and violence not because god thinks it’s a good idea, but b/c it is the only thing that makes us human.

I want to tell god, if he exists, if he is alive, to fuck off.
But I cannot seem to do that; he haunts me, like a bad habit, like a craving, like a compulsion,

The Holy Ghost as a specter found in English manors, the guardian angel as stalker.

Leave me alone.
My lord, my god, forsakes me.

And the followers of the lord let my lie.

i dont know what half of these are

Christian Denomations Quiz
My Results
#1 Liberal Quakerism
#2 Eastern Orthodox Church
#3 Episcopal/Anglican Church
#4 Roman Catholic Churc
#5 Unitarian Universalism
#6 Evangelical Lutheran Church
#7 Unity Church
#8 Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod
#9 Methodist/Weslyian Church
#10 Mormonism
#11 Orthodox Quakerism
#12 Mennonite Brethren
#13 Seventh-Day Adventist
#14 Church of Christ
#15 Free Will Baptist
#16 Assemblies of God
#17 International Church of Christ
#18 Jehovah's Witness
#19 Presbyterian Church USA
#20 Southern Baptist
#21 Presbyterian Church in America/Orthodox Presbyterian Church
#22 Reformed Churches
#23 United Pentecostal Church
#24 Reformed Baptist

continuing on tom my favourite list

Poussin

ruscha

thiebald

bonnard,

two blonde boys snog in the latest Xtina video.

http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/Midwest/12/15/cutest.couple.ap/index.html

maybe i needed a boy, then they wouldnt kick my ass and tell me that i needed to go to hell.

Friday
Dinner at Newman :
Turkey, cranberry sauce, taters, strained conversation, me in a tie
I escaped by nine , made it to the gateway shindig-

Took Thomas, I think I needed a babysitter, to prevent the sentimental disaters that occur with me and booze.

Gave 40 bucks and a guest list/ invite text to Dave, who told me that he read my blog- found it compulsiuve and he would give me a print for Christmas.

As the evening progessed found Adam read it off and on since the summer, and had emailed portions to skip the e-i-c.

Its odd to post with an immediacy that is neither spell checked, grammar checked, that is filled with odd abrreavations and fragments.

Its odd to be this personal, and in return this banal.

Art theory, music reviews, religion, sorting things out, public bleeding

I didn’t think people read it- or those ho did lived in England or Belgium or Australia or Toronto

Locals, gateway locals, reading it, enjoying it, worrying about me.

See I didn’t think I was cared about thre, and now I know people hold a certain kind of affection.

I want a memory and I want to havea certain formalism to memory

I had been reading a fair amount of journal and letters collections this year, and the one I feel closest to is Kenneth Tynan- he who worked on polanskis macbeth and olivers hamlet, wrote about those things and also about cocktail parties and spanking girls.

Gossip is information and information is currency, and every writer thinks that everything in his manuscripts and notebooks and journals will be published to great acclaim one day- im taking the next logical step, elimanting the one day.

I’m exhausted of writing daily but Aspergers kids thrive on ritual, I post here because I have posted here.

Its confession, its poetry, think of me as a sideshow, think of me as The Boy Lazarus.


Sunday-
Betrand is returning to Laval, so we had a sugar shack party with maple syrup, crepes, cider, ginger snaps, singing and taking to Terry about his recent completed conversion.

He stills prays like a Baptist and I still pray like a mormon, although the LDSers in this crowd would argue that there is no lirturgy and rote prayer in an LDS service, so there is no set mormon prayers- patterns emerge though.

Monday

Finished Borges on Writing, interesting politics of translation, esp. the fact that he often translated his own work, then worked with another translator- think of Beckett, who moved his own work from French to English, are they separate texts- is there something more pure if the author is involved- is purity the virtue one requires for translation ?

?

rockwell and moses are selling well again, its time for another recession.

i am dressed in a mauve shirt, pink sweater and purple paisley tie, i have black pants on, in one hour and twenty minutes i will be going to the newman club dinner and dance, where i will eat turkey and its accessories and then i will dance, until about 9 pm, where i will go on the bus to toms work, and take him to the gateway party.

chardin

Holbein

saw andrew off at the bus station, and he and i talked over a and w-about jesus, and contempary art and his paper, and a general good day.

a homeless man came up to us and engaged in conversation about the weather, and afterwards christianity- he then asked for 5 bucks, and when andrew gave him 5 ( i didnt have any in my pockets, i spent 20 bucks today and im not sure what on (well 10 for supper, 3 to get into the eag, 3 for a drink at buger baron, 2 for printing, and i have a twonie in my pocket). the guy then asked for 10, i couldnt belive his chutzpah.

andrew then asked me why i hated myself and admitted to discomfort about my queerness, how can i explain the ambguities and complexities of my sexual desire to a boy who doesnt belive in it at all ?

i had been seeing someone quietly and he broke up with me yesterday, and seeing andrew happy going to vancouver, to see the girl he knows hes gonna spend the rest of his life with makes me happy.

from my favourite artists.

post shot warhol

(ie art made after warhol was shot by valerie solanis ca 1967)

agnes martin

agnes martin, post shot warhol, hobein, chardin,poussion, ruscha, thiebald, bonnard, giotto, bacon, balthus, carvarggio, hesse, cranach,hirst, hockney ca. la,hogarth, rivers, johns,twombly, richard prince, kline, krasner,man ray, minor white, le chapelle,adler, cady and kenneth noland,christopher wool,peyton, duher, blake, fra angelico,and il sodomo.

fav artists this week courtesy of ilx

Momus-My Sperm is not Your Enemy
There is debate that this album is not as political as his other work, which confuses me, because Momus is all about aesthetics and fashion and posturing- his Maoists are in fashion and the permanent cultural revaluation is about hemlines- on that note our synth pop Haydn is back, our spooge obsessed Schubert, its old Momus as good as old Momus, and for all of this talk about a new direction and deconstruction, he is more stuck then Madonna. It doesn’t really matter because I’m all about his rakish raspy drawl and his calculated John Wilmot in the 21st Century personae.
There is a coda-all abstract and analogue Commodore 64 and Atari Noises which is much odder, prettier and god forbid American then we deserve. I want to hear the album he makes when the words run out.

nyplm review



Anthony, that coda is more American than the song because it's entirely the work of Adam Bruneau, resident of Dacula, Georgia. You can hear the album he made when the words ran out, it's half of 'Shakestation' by Super Madrigal Brothers, available at www.darlashop.com

momus responds


art party, where the art was evil and the artist was related to the media, so a bunch of unctous olegionous media flacks looking at half landscape half abstract, painted with the skill expected of a spastic monkey.


our lady of gaudleope, with its shades of icons and the workers power, its implications of refuting coloniosm and subverting them was today


had peter for lunch, bought avant noise cds, party invite


this is random, but thomas wanted longer entries.

walked into the barbers today, and got it all shaved off my head, and 3/4 shaved off my face- i am bald w. a goatee/

83 bucks to get to calgary, dont want to go- mostly cause of the money, maybe its cheaper earlier in the yr.

Thinking about Narnia

I was raised on stories that had rape (Snow White), torture (Red Rose, with the red hot shoes), death by freezing (Jack London), bodies transmogrified by nascent surrealism (Alice in Wonderland), beatings (Huck Finn), absentee fathers (Huck Finn), animals of all sorts dying (Old Yeller, Jackie the Cur), frozen legs being chopped off by (Mrs. Mike), starvation (The Little Match Girl), cannibalism (the marzipan heart in Snow White), hidden gardens (The Secret Garden), eyes being pecked out (Cinderella), evil witches, Indian spies (Kim) and all other kinds of mysterious spaces- it was weird and odd and wonderful- it featured more sex and violence, and out there sex and violence -then ever could have been healthy- I loved them all though, and every thing else my mother read me that wasn¡¯t children¡¯s literature (i.e. Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Blake)

Children were not shielded and the world was not happily ever after- it was a cruel place, but a place filled with adventures and secrets- an exciting places. Narnia, which I avoided as a child-does not have any of the mysterious spaces, the sex, the violence, the danger or the subterfuge- there is always an escape route back to the English middle classes. Its also celibate in a really repressed way- In his essay reviewing Norton¡¯s Annotated Fairy Tales, found in the 12/09/02 New Yorker- Adam Gopnik says this:
" ... CS Lewis's Narnia tales uneasily mix an optimistic Christian morality with a darker and more intuitive pagan one... "
Now this is not a bad thing, except that as a folk form the parable and the fairy tale are diametrically opposed- one is about danger and sex, all of the id ridden Freudian black spaces, and one is about safety and celibacy, the super ego imposing order.

The struggle of Narnia is not one of Good against Light in a divine sense-but of form ¨C my early up bringing has lead me to like my children¡¯s lit to maintain the possibility of death, and Narnia doesn¡¯t do that?

In Dante¡¯s Divine Comedy Heaven is dull compared to Hell, writing about joy leads you less adjectives and is more tenuous then the varied unpleasentries found in the Inferno. The same case can be made for Milton- and Blake made it best when he said ¡°Milton was of the devil's party and he didn't know it." ¨Cnot to say that Milton or Dante were into hell as people, their theology leant towards heaven and so did Lewis¡¯s- As well comparing a series of Children¡¯s Novels to some of the best Christian theology is ludicrous- the argument I am making is that Lewis seems to be scared of the muck, of the shit, of the daily effects of sin and life, and so the books are didactic and dull- the strongest passages from a writely point of view deal with the witch and Charon and evil- I mean describing Anslan and as a big pussy cat really has no regal power does it ?

This is matched by elements of low comedy and sudden rescue, much of it seems clumsy and much of it seems like there is a better book coming out of it.

So why do I feel a compulsion to finish it?

asked a question on aristolte, i responded b/c he was a miogynst asshole. i have failed the exam.

have an exam in 30 minutes, stayed up studying, havent been to the class in two months. im fucked.

ATOMIC KITTEN - "The Tide Is High (Get The Feeling) 6

If I was still in high school, and I loved a boy, and it was June, a week before the school year ended, I would cruise the mall looking for hotness, singing along to this.

AVRIL LAVIGNE - "Sk8er Boi" 4

Fame as melodrama, something really not new, but never as banal as this.

BIG BROVAZ - "Nu Flow"

New flow sounds like old flow.

BUSTED - "Thats What I Go To School For" 5

A teenage boys jack off fantasy that sounds more authentic then mtv might allow.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA - "Dirrty" 6

The song is supposed to be the new fuck me I’m legal Christina, and does have some potential, but it still seem to have an element of little girl playing grown up. I don’t think she’s ever had sex, only heard of it from r a b and Madonna.

COLDPLAY - "In My Place" 8

Mopey Anglo to the core but his voice sends little shivers up my spine.
A safe morissey for housewives, but better.

ELVIS vs JXL - "A Little Less Conversation" 9

It took a Dutchman to make Elvis more then warhol multiples, secanol and shitting himself to death on the toilet, wouldn’t have worked with one of the famous ones, and the extra noise doesn’t really matter, cause its all about the molasses thick Memphis drawl, come back dark prince, we love you again.

EMINEM - "Without Me" 5

It doesn’t feel like social criticism any more but another small dicked wonder waving it around, trying to prove his own power. Repetitive and stupid, which is a shame because the boy used to be clever and new.

EVE feat. ALICIA KEYS - "Gangsta Lovin" 6

What we have here is two genuine vocal talents outclassed by the shimmery Phil Spector in Harlem production

FISCHERSPOONER - "Emerge" 10

Like kraftwerk made as plesurebots,
There is nothing human here and it is warmer and more erotic then Dirrty, cyborg culture is warm for your loving.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - "Like I Love You" 5

For some one who has been condemned and discounted in the media, it is strange how much this white boy sings and dances like whacko jacko- all the way down to the grunts and the falsetto, purely by the numbers.


KELLY OSBOURNE - "Papa Don't Preach" 6

Hard Rock Cover of Madonna when she was making great pop songs, rather then just deconstructing them.
Savage Parody of the media culture she has found her self emerged, and a voice that is so over produced that you cannot tell whether it sucks or rules, all standards are out the window and all that matters is that I am singing this out loud.

KHIA - "My Neck My Back" 4

A paean to the glory of analingus. This needed to come sooner.

LAS KETCHUP - "The Ketchup Song" 3

The dance that goes with this is too complicated, and cannot be done in baseball stadiums; it will not break in America. This pleases me.

LCD SOUNDSYSTEM - "Losing My Edge"
MADONNA - "Die Another Day"

Sir Reg may have bitched about the lack of Bassey, but really its not about Bond but about Madge, the body keeping closed, the skittering beats, and the volumes of material found in the silences, she doesn’t want Siggy to analyse this, she wants the press to stop, her voice is getting better- burnished, maybe it’s the studio production, quoting eccleisaties, talking about sin, growing up, the cut apart violins, it sounds like a manifesto for pop success, it sounds like a new strategy, it sounds like she if refuting what made her famous, it sounds fantastic.

MISS DYNAMITE - "It Takes More" 5

A primer on sexual ethics envolped in a proper genre works out.

NELLY - "Hot In Herre" 8

A good pop single made better by encouraging frat boys to take it off.

NELLY AND KELLY - "Dilemma" 7

Kelly has a better voice then Beyonce and more intimate phrasing, something missing in this age of bombast.
This is in fact a rather understated and subtle love song, lovely in its own way.

NIRVANA - "You know you’re right"

Been a bootleg for ten years, grafting metal and pop doesn’t seem new, but it makes me remember with fondness, how much I miss the old verse chorus verse, loud soft loud, and that glorious growl, Cobain was a great stylist, a v. good vocalist, we forget that.


PINK - "Just Like A Pill"

The love as drug metaphor is dead and the bridge that leads to the chorus is dull.
Pill/ill is a lazy rhyme. No sing along potential.

PUDDLE OF MUDD - "She Hates Me" 4

I want my teenage pathos with more anger.
It’s like Ween, but I know Ween is kidding, but I know these guys are serious.
Relationships with the shelf life of yoghurt don’t need a song.

S CLUB JUNIORS - "Automatic High" 0

The Paedo pop of Aaron Carter and lil' bow wow but English.

SCOOTER - "Ramp! (The Logical Song)"

Fags should not be allowed to make dance music, it becomes both throbbing and cute, like a teddy bear with a raging hard on


SUGABABES - "Round Round" 5

I should hate this, and I don’t. I am not sure why.

THE CLIPSE - "Grindin" 4

I have never gotten over my discomfort with the phrase nigger and bitches, and strippers anthems are never really interesting, but he does he get points for honesty.

THE VINES - "Get Free"

All I know is that this is the perfect music to pogo to on a Friday night and grind to on a Saturday morning. and baby that’s all I want.

THE CORAL - "Dreaming Of You"

All of those happy memories, 50s calypso, 60s cali pop, 70s singer songwriter, Cyndi Lauper, Stephin Merritts boy as he walks down the street. Catchy.

TIM MCGRAW - "Red Rag-Top" 10+10

Small and acoustic, and sad, in the country way about common tragedies that reverberates,
This one makes me cry because it makes no judgements; the political message is missing,
The narrative tells the story, exhausting.

TRUTH HURTS - "Addictive" 9

Qawalli, hand claps, undulating female voices, pop exoticism but folded in, is the hip hop rapping and the sugar daddy anthem, its an odd fusion of the spiritual and the intensely cynical.

VANESSA CARLTON - "A Thousand Miles" 8

Sounds like leafless trees and stark walks through neighbourhoods and sort of that pseudo dyke punk that was popular for five minutes 6 years ago. Good.




Pop Focus Group, didnt mention the hip hop this one b/c i dont get it-also less i truly loved. (cf the streets)

narnia is a problem because i never belive that the charachters are in any really danger. aslan comes as deus ex machina or the wardrobe is open or there are always green (or is it yellow) rings. that and the heircahy of kings and princes seems un christlike.

reading pound again, cantos- its like all of the statues i saw in london, one on every street corner, for some great colonial hero that i never could figure out- some were wonderful and some were awful but they were there and inscrutable.

reading it with the readers guide, which only translates- doesnt explain any of the more obscure references, there are lines though that bowl me over.

also reading a book on queers in hollywood, which reminds me of two things

ethel mermans disco album is reissued, and more importantly, according to a 2nd hadn gossip- carol pope and dusty springfield made out in a dyke dive in toronto in the mid 70s.

the art party was a disaster, i took two photographs, ones i thought were good, and no one bought them. i dont know why i bother trying, i want to give up.

its 4 pm and its all ready dusk, i have spent the day reading narnia, finishing a book and a half, i had to go to the library and pick up olds and gunn, mostly because i recommended them to andrew, and mostly becausae there is no allegory or metaphor in them- after 250 pages of clever, slight, obvious childrens allegory- its about jesus- reading about AIDS deaths and dysfunctional families is a break.

saturdays an art party at lat, i got in for free b/c i donated art. art i made. i am scared.

there is a joke issue for the gateway tomorrow, and someone wrote a roaring satire about me, my god and my queerness. it hurt. i dont want to veto it, because i want to be a good sport.

world aids day


I was the generation after the plauge- where the exhaustion moved in- where die ins and kiss ins and roberts no longer ruled meetings in basements.

i came in with the juno twins of protease inhibtors and azt- the ones that saved our lives (our- no one i know died of it) but depended on vulturus drug companies to provide them.
what did those meetings do- what did the research and the discourse and the arguments do ? what did the theories about fort derek do ? what did act up change ? what about the un comitteee on hiv and aids, what can the fags and africans and the immigrants and the iv drug users have in common ?

there are those who think its not HIV, there are those that think (important those, nobel prize winning those) who think that the african strain comes from hunger and the american strain comes from pleasure

hiv was falling, and siph was rising and now hiv is rising

i have nostalgia now- for a time and place where sex was free an easy and where pleasure didnt result in anything more then a broken heart or the clap, which was cured by horse pills and dr visits

there are those who think its mutated teritary siph.

my queer uncle, my mothers age, old enough for the fun, was living at that time- but he avoided itm because of guilt, because of religon because of family ties

there are those who think its a curse from god

i asked earlier, what i thot i learnt from it

in 1965 jfk fucked monroe in the pool of the white house- cock into cunt- banging pounding-those macho pnetrative words

in 1995 clinton hand an affair with monica in the oval office, used fingers tounges, cigars-never pentrated, never banged, no cock into cunt- queer sex, safe sex

pearl necklace, facial, handjob, blow job, its all aids, its all avoiding being pentrated

i fear being pentrated, pentrating, thats what changed, a whole generation of boys who learnt about fingers and tounges, who talked and neghotied

a whole generation of girls who demanded rubbers, gloves, dental danms, who didnt end up being raped in the back seat of chevys

thats what hiv/aids did for north america

africa/asia/south america

machismo, magick, poverty- whoce populations with out the resources.

millions more then the bubeonic, more then the great influenza, more then tb or typhoid or malaria, countries dying over night, and us oin privelige, ignoring them, looking for the pearls in our pigshit

AZT saved us

AZT is too expensive

Protease inhibtors saved us

Protease inhibtors are under patent

thats the great gift of mandela, making the drugs generic, distrubting them for noting, along with condoms and education

What i thot of before becoming catholic wasnt being queer or the borgias or the jews, it was condoms

not birth control, but disease pervention

millions are dying, those tubes of latex need to be given to be saved

they used to be made of lambskin- during the last plauge of this sort- 17th , 18th, 19th century- 300 yrs to discover a cure for siphylis, and arsenic and mercury and lambskin condoms were used in the mean time

are azt and protease our aresnic and mercury

it was called siphylssis after a sheep herder- and the italins balmed it on the french and the french blamed it on the greeks.
now we blame it on the africans or the fags or any numbe rof others

do we blame cancer ?
cant we trat it like concer ?
a disease with out hte history, the morality, the idelogy ?