josh has stopped posting.
he sees no point.
this is for him:
working on this, listening to velvet underground on my headphones, in b/w songs of decadence and sin, i hear a song called jesus, and if tranny loving heroin addict lou red can beg for the grace of christ, why can't i. its an end of the rope song, a desperate cry.
before i get to the scripture, let me state my biases-i'm a liberal catholic, who 3 or 4 weeks ago was ready to give it all up, let me read you a section of what i wrote then-
I want the soul to reside in the belly, and not in the head.
There are people who think that all of their blessings come from god and all there curses come from Satan, I don’t want to believe that.

I want to believe that we conquer our animal natures out of necessity
I want to believe that to be human is to conquer our desire towards hatred and anger and violence not because god thinks it’s a good idea, but b/c it is the only thing that makes us human.

what happened, a bunch of things, one after the other- in addict recovery programs, they stack about hitting rock bottom before you can climb out again, thats where i was.
confessing to father stephen-my father confessor- this among other things, he gives me Genesis 32:22:27 to pray on-as pennace and because i need it, been wrestling with god .
jacob wrestling with the angel, he sends his family off, and hes sqauring off, the divine and the mortal, the man who holds the keys to kingdom and someone who comes from the kingdom, they spend hours-through the night, in battle-St John of the Cross described this as the long night of the soul, the blackness, the sadness, the meloncholy that sets in like black ink
when day light comes, the angel breaks jacob, causes him intense phyiscal pain, breaks his hip-only then when the body gives out, exhausted-then and only then does he recive the gifts of god.
I found this out, i started climbing out, there was a retreat, two days in the woods , with people who loved me, who refused to accept the usual discourses and discussion, and who broke me down, there were others who broke me down before, and others who built me up.
I'm moving too quickly forward
I grew up LDS, for this audeince i'm sure that this makes me an exotic, but ill tell you this in my daily life i am sure that it didnt make me any different then other protestants, with one exception, there was a hymn about families being together forever- and in my head that was the first hint that often a religion that was supposed to be about community, was about exculsion, that no matter how good it was to constructing a group who loved each other, it was also good at noting who wasnt loved.
i left the church, or was encouraged to leave when i was 17,
made a list, one by one i went to services and read, treated it like every other problem i had in my life, treated it like something that could be solved with research, trusted my gut- i got the non christian options out of my head pretty quickly, there are lessons though in some that had entered my head like a burr
i got to the christian list, and i elimanted them for stupid reasons, the service i didnt like, the music didnt suit me, theological nit picking
i was 18, near sucicdal, reading the number 9 bus from stony plane road to downton , i had an impression to get out near the basillica down town, there was four people sitting in the grass and i sat down beside them
we talked, thats what converts me, talking, and we did, for hours- first sitting in front of the church, then walking ot clement house, then arround a butcher block table-orange kool aid was served, and every objection to the church and to christianity was parsed
the next day, meeting fthr duncan in fort sask, and then eight months of meetings
easter, four years ago, became catholic.
this is the narrative we expect, and its supposed to end with me being happy, jesus ending all the pain
everyone qoutes John 3:5-6, there are whole movements about being born again, but if you read a few verses down 3:8 :
The wind blows where it pleases, and you hear its sound, but you don't know where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.
look at that, the construction of it, being born of the Spirit is not one of force or conjecture or anything but the winds of god,
i canoe- or used to at least, its been a couple of years since i have been out on a real trip, but when you get that seventeen foot monster out onto the water, and there is a wind , you no longer have control, it is your job to work with the elements, make sure that you can see where it is going, and not to crash on rocks or low lying branches, its called reading the river, and to do it, you need to quit conversation and do nothing but listen, your body will react to the dangers and you will be safe. When you are really in danger is when you stop thinking, when you keep talking and then a sweeper catches you or you ground and you drown. God lives in quiet spaces, where you can pay attention to the wind,
i have changed i think i hope i pray
i don't want this to be a usual narrative, a boy mets god story that you have heard 1000 times before
i meant this as a challenge to drew, i didnt expect him to say yes, see i dont trust people. i dont like myself and am shocked when people take me seriously
why am i here, what am i doing in front of you, its none of my buisness, this isnt my church, this isnt my worship, i havent been here long enough, i feel like an interloper
i feel like me telling you how i found god, how will that help, when every 6 mos or a year i get so angry again
I dont know god, and no matter how hard i try he becomes more nebulous, in MArk 4:11-12. its almost like Christ is saying- you cannot know me, i speak in riddles so those who are smart enough, who are in the inner circle, will come to know me.
11 And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables:
12 That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven them.
Christ keeps mentioning innocence and lack of attachment and liberation and all of this stuff that startles the status qou, and i used to like to imagine myself as one of those who revolted along with Christ, but its something deeper.
i depend on things that are not christian , i depend on the succour of academics and philosphers, i wish to be subjective because i do not want to understand the words of Christ, the language of the parables is understood not because it is esorteric or complex, but because it is so simple and so life altering that those who have comfortable lives are blind to it.
The Saducess and the Pharisees understood law, the rich men understood wealth. Christ does not understand either.
Over and Over Again GOd refuses to acknowedge those who live for comfort , who refuse to become naked in front of him.
Tuesday I met with Trevor, and he offered to buy me lunch, I was hungry and accepted, I don't do this, neurotic about money it takes a certain level of comfort to accept gifts, and anyways i didnt really like him-sitting over a plate of chinese talking with absoulte candor, he asked if he could pray for me. i said yes hoping it would be at home, without me there. country on the speakers, head bowed, making a fool of myself in public as this man talks to god for me.
i had been thinking about jacob, and started this with jacob, and thinking about trevor and that prayer, why did it make me feel so uncomfortable, because i thought that faith should be private, and here was a man who intergrated it in everyday life.
a priest is a priest when he gets his hair cut and when he goes to the movies, and we should follow that example, though trevor is not a priest.