Went to john’s church on Monday, after not going to bed on Sunday night, johns church is the evangelical one.

Go in and its lit like Vegas, praise band playing loud- sound check etc.

Start up, singing dancing praying the usual stuff.

Sermon from a preacher in Velasquez- wanted volunteers to go up to the front, and I want up. Object Lesson about Matthew 25:6 (speaking of which that chapter is my favorite in the gospels)- for those w/o bibles in hand its the one about talents, anyways, it was a cute lesson, sat down his cadence got stronger and my heart got weaker, I cried and I felt like I was losing control- he asked after praying over the congregation if anyone wanted to be blessed- disappointed I missed the altar call last week went up, got up waited in line- this pastor (Greg-first names only, his wife’s name is Linda. ) blessed me, told me I was a man of great worth, told me I was a five talent man, told me god loved me, told me that I would be great in the eyes of the lord my knees buckled and I collapsed, laying on the floor, hearing nothing, though I know the band was still playing, seeing nothing.


I got up and went back to my seat and sit and thought.




I had been up 18 hours at that point, everyone was being blessed- and it was a time of great emotion- everyone I think felt the same way, or I thought they did- anyways fall always makes me worried about God and introspective


Later that night I got a ride home from one of johns friends, and he like john asked the money question (he also asked a dozen other questions that were frankly none of his business, but I answered them and the money question bothers me the most, you know where do you get yr cash sort of thing) I don’t talk about money, it wasn’t done in my house- john asked the question too.

(Side note- I think john is uncomfortable with me- maybe it’s the gay thing, maybe it’s the two faced thing, I look two faced to some people, I struggle with a multitude of situations and am never sure of a solution, many possibilities entertained at the same time, it may also be finances)

Earlier in the day I met a handsome man at a record store, a man I want to sleep with desperately, and gave him mix cads- we met a week earlier and I was telling him all about Scott Walker and momus- not sure if he's queer maybe a bit too forward- he told me about his coke dealing brother and his divorced parents though- * shrug *

So that’s my life, men I want to sleep with in the afternoon and Jesus is lord type in the evening.