I met with the lds bishop on Tuesday, and then the stake president on Wednesday.
After meeting with the bishop I got loaded, and I stormed out of the meeting with the stake president, calling his religion bullshit, and telling him to fuck it.

Glenys had friends over when I called her, and she asked if they remembered me, and they replied the gay catholic in the pink shirt.

On the day of Our Lady of Guadeloupe, they prayed for “unborn children” rather then those born and hungry, and the fathers and mothers and communities that work towards feeding those who are hungry.

That quiz I took with twenty-five results and each of them not much different from the last.

I was told that I could not receive the gifts of the Holy Ghost, and I am in awe of this world.

God is cruel, and Christ was not the pleasant man we like to imagine and the dependence on both of them as opposed to any other person, as opposed to family and friends suggests he is less then confident.

I am taking a Christian scripture course in the winter, and everyone is so sure of the glories of their god, of their view of god, and me-well I am not even sure I want god around, I am not even sure god exists.

I’m over my nostalgia for the lds church.
I’m tired of the internecine fighting of protestant denominations.
I don’t want to think about catholic churches history and misery.
I don’t want to part of a world where stoning someone for adultery is a good idea, or excommunicating them, shunning them, shaming them.

I have begun to think that religion causes nothing but discord and sorrow.
I want to reject god.

I find myself angry at the cruelty and capriciousness of the lord, or those who call in the lord’s name, and what mailer said about the Shoah and God has come to my head

He told that b/c of the Shoah, b/c of the horrors of man, that there were tow options, either that god was not omnipotent or if he was, then he didn’t care.

It seems such a cliché to be an atheist b/c you cannot reconcile suffering, but I have become exhausted from seeing suffering as a good thing, as a spiritual exercise.

I want the soul to reside in the belly, and not in the head.
There are people who think that all of their blessings come from god and all there curses come from Satan, I don’t want to believe that.

I want to believe that we conquer our animal natures out of necessity
I want to believe that to be human is to conquer our desire towards hatred and anger and violence not because god thinks it’s a good idea, but b/c it is the only thing that makes us human.

I want to tell god, if he exists, if he is alive, to fuck off.
But I cannot seem to do that; he haunts me, like a bad habit, like a craving, like a compulsion,

The Holy Ghost as a specter found in English manors, the guardian angel as stalker.

Leave me alone.
My lord, my god, forsakes me.

And the followers of the lord let my lie.