after the sjsa christmas concert i met jason coates, i made a point of using his first name.

coates knew me in grade 8, he was kind and handsome in a safe. blonde way and i fell in lust with him, jacking off to his visage, my hard prick a compus, his face colmbus and the new world

he never knew, never did anything, was kind to me, and that was all i needed

seeing him again, in that same white shirt black pants way i felt differently

i dont need to prove myself, cheif fag at pr-cup, presenting a paper in la in august, making money writing, doing well in school- but seeing him- my joy almost dissapted, repalced with an eagerness- for apporval, for love, for him to hug me and tell me it was all ok

he didnt turn me on in the same way as he did when i was 14, it was a proustian memory now, and seeing his wife, with a child, proving to me that his fertility was used as fecundity was moving



i drove by the school coming home from van in nov, someone-not me- corrected my email and added my blog- maybe jason is reading this

no one else was there from my class, even the staff was rare- belton has become an anglican priest, weaver has disappeared to toronto, mcnaugtaun is in coquitlam, gebers in mexico and the man who destroyed me is back in the mideast, where he seems to go every 3 years or so, Richard Burton travelling to Arabia, w/o the anthroplogical exuse



after sjsa, a drink at new city where nirvanna and elvis and the ramones all played on the juke box. and then called daniel-where we went to whyte, she met thomas- called him sedate, which he is/nt depending on the day- old life and new life got along famously, after that sushi at toyko noodle house and books from wee book-sophocles recopmmnded by dana, swifts collected poem, more filthy then gullivers travels and a cub scout manuel which i collect