Crow realized there were two gods

One of them much bigger then the other
Loving his enemies
And having all the weapons
Ted Hughes, the crows theology
From Crow

I have two ways to go right now, or three.
One keep writing, send poetry in (taint will have a piece in sept, when the book will come out), criticism, editorials, etc. maybe I can make a living out of it, but I suspect I cannot.
Two, give up the above life for jesus christ. My lord my saviour, (and in the words of stephin merritt, he rewards my good behaviout)
Three, quit playing arround and get a real job.

I feel a whole, I am the happiest and most content of my life, and I have much pleasure, but little joy.

I went to kdays today, and I ate too much, and went on rides and failed at shooting and skeeball (about failing with shooting-do I make strong moral postions out of elements of my own failure, do I hate guns and soilders b/c I could never have the discipline and order to be one)

I also clung to pat, spent the most time with him, hugged and put arm on shoulder held hands, intitated physical contact.

Sean on his blog made a comment about feeling uncomfortable with my coming on, my cock jokes, my dick being hard, my freedom and ease about sex (that’s what would prevent the monastary, not that I have lust in my heart, but that I have this freedom about desires)

Shepered fucked me when I was 14, I loved him, worshipped his strength, looked to him as a father figure, and he fucked me---and I had a sucession of lovers that were older and more in control. Ways to reconstruct shepered. My parents split at an early age, and then my father left.

I have had anger and confusion towards him for a long time

i have extensive mental illness and depression, and seek out companions

I am not sure I am happy being queer, and i am afraid that i would be plain and uninteresting if i wasn't

Often it is a way of social climbing, of getting postions and having an angle.
was i born liking to fuck men, or was i led there by these factors ?


I love patrick, but have no context for that love, I dislike my sister, have no brothers, feel isolated from men, I only know how to express my love thru sex, which is sick and sad, cause I don’t want to fuck him.

Every realtionship has a power dynamic, top or bottom, and In absurdly rare cases an =, and pat is that for us, for me and for bryan and for sean (also in his blog, sean talked about this, and bryan has said it—sean I cannot parse, danielle and I are in constant conflict about who wins, and well bryan is bryan—pentrating, thrusting, big and butch and interferring, he and iare paternal and not fratenal.

I need pat, I need pat to tell me everything will be ok, I need pat to tel me I can love a man, I need pat to listen, I need pat, like everyone needs pat and no one tells him.

I counted everyday that pat was gone, and not a day that brian was, I spent 22 hrs with pat in the last three days.

We have heard all each others stories, what is left ?
To make new ones, but we have fallen into patterns, what has bryan learnt about in this trip

In the last three entries he discussed things that he wanted to talk to about pat, but only corrected me about portland (want to see a culture of resistance, go to powells, the biggest indie bookstore in the world)

Brian convinced the world to house and feed him for two weeks, and maybe that’s unfair but I expect he thinks the world will.

Pat brought me back a medal of bendict and I am going to wear it, have been wearing it, close to my heart, b/w my heart and my belly like a trapeze artist, that’s what I am, order clinging to somewhere b/w the two, cause I live on chaos its an uneasy life.

I don’t know how I feel.

I need God.