thoughts about celibacy, which has been an under current here for a while, but has not been explicitly stated.

01)i like the theory of sex and how it reflects on the nature of humanity, everything from rabelais low comedies to donnes high spirtuality.
02)gerald manley hopkins gave up sex and writing at the same time, and only returned to writing when given permission for his abbott.
03) i feel split in two, god and writing, both singular at the core, both inward thinking and at their best that inward thinking pushes back onto a public audience.
04) what i want from life i think is companionship, i live with out sex quite easily, but cannot imagine living with out other people, what i admire about brittern and bears, chester and wynston, isherwood and his companion is that they wrote and edited and sang and composed a life together, the sex i can barely imagine/
05) i want a company of brothers, mostly to prove to myself it could work.
06) masturbation is a deeply effective way for me to release daily tensions, and i am unsure if i could give that up.
07) am i denying my sex because my sex makes me feel uncomfortable, am i giving up fucking boys out of societal pressures ?
08) i am a sexual radical in that i belive that it can be liberation, and it has liberated me--it got me kicked out of the mormons, it gave me a sense of joy, it taught me compassion, it taught me passion, it gave birth to me--i was born once, and then again as a queer man and then as a christian/
09) i dont want to be used as magdalene (ie repentant whore)
10) i still often think of men sexually, not in a take joy in the lords creation way, but a holy fuck i want him way.
11) this is happening less often.
12) this means that the niggling desire for domesticity will have to be abanoded, the first time i ever thought about kids and now i am supposed to leave that idea behind ?
13) i take desire and let it craft me, i follow the politics and poetics of sex because i think it tells us about who we are.
14) i keep thinking of the old hatian creole proverb tell me who you love and i will tell you who you are.
15) brother antonius, friend of the beats and the black mountain school, joined the domincans in 1951
16) he was anthologized by ginsberg in new american poetry, he wrote angry and political poetry.
17) i make dirty jokes, say fuck and cunt, talk with candor.
18) my mind wanders, rambles, kicks out ideas, it is not placid.
19) i belive in telling the truth, sometimes the priesthood requires polite lies.
20) fthr stephen has told me i cannot become a priest.
21) i love my exes.
22) is this a retreat from the world from god or because i dont want to deal with its implications.
23) can i live the contemplative life.
24) their is delicous irony in the idea that the most radical thing i can do in this culture of sexuaility is deny it
25) how many monks and priests love xtina or britney or pop culture.
26) can i jettison my intellectual pride.
27) can i still hold fondly memoirs of eroticism
28) bittner talks about spending time and almost falling in love with girls at summer camp, and he does not feel like he is giving things up.
29) i am angry at the church, and i love it.
30) in too many ways i am a cynical prick.
31) this is like getting married, and i am worried that it will be all george and martha
32) the lyrical, low key, gossipy, arch high camp style i worked so hard on.
33) i am not joyful enough
34) i am not serious enough.
35) look at all of the damage the priestly castes have done.
36) can i still read hollebeque and his ilk
37) concern about what other people think colours me, how will this affect it.
38) i make too many literary references.
39) what about sfu, vancouver.
40) authourity and problems with.
41) black dog depressions, which encourge solipism.
42) overly romantic visions.
43) my penis.
44) christs penis.
45) lds baggage.
46) the inability to complete what i start.
47) fear and shame of the body.
48) that asshole paul
49) i am not sure that i am doing this b/c god is calling me but b/c it means that i do not have to deal with the implications of wanting what i think i cant have.
50) will i lose my independece to god or to the insutution.