thots on the wafer

i've been taking it about once a month now, the only thing ive been taking daily is wellbutrin, i used to take it 3x a week.

ive beeen struggling with its meaning--not the catholic protestant stuff, but the feelings in my heart when the man in the front slips it b/w my teeth

ive been feeling hate, i guess for a long time, and now, just resignation--that my marriage to christ is forever, adn the vatican is just pesky inlaws

the last time i took him into me, was in the hospital...it might have been a useful expriment...

terry on the phone cancelling his visit, and then a woman, eldery comes in, and terry says he will call back.

the wafer is thin and cellouse (celiacs are not allowed to be priests anymore--if its the body and blood of christ of course it shouldnt matter)

and it sticks, its hard to swallow, and i have a plastic cup of water with a lid and a straw (water into wine, you can attach the dots)

and the woman (!) (which means it was done at mass, which means her second blessing does soemthing else, which means jesus has been travelling three floors and an elevator) it, im half sitting, half laying, the tv is off, and tabloids are visible in the folds of sheets, i dont know if im dressed at this point but i think im in my pajamas (wal mart 10 bucks)

at mass, i look forward and try to guess exactly when the body of christ emerges into the host--but this was strange, the announcement for services, first mass and then catholic, my breakfast, a wellbutrin in a paper cup, then a little grey haired lady blessing and placing on my tounge. i wasnt supposed to eat before but i did, and the ward was me and a bunch of little old ladies, i was attached to a machine that recorded all, like the all seeing eye of god (the paschal mystery)

it all leant it self too neatly too language, meaning, important and portent messages of surrivleance and god...

when i got home, maybe a week or so, caught up on work, then sat, night--which in the calendar is sunday morning, i had a long conversaiton w. andrew, back from korea...and centered the circle, about any number of things...

one of the things we talked about was trans vs con. what it meant to take the eucharist..this is coming back to schillebeeckx again, of course...

as a catholic one is obligated to be trans, and its a neat lesson about the constent, literal renewal of christs presence, of gods flesh being everywhere, and its majestc in its mystery. i want to believe it, because i want to beleive in the first words of john, the word made flesh, it is the core of post structalism, i think, though p/s has no core, the idea that language is not an abstraction of a thing, but a thing itself--so the words that a priest utters are not symbolic but achemical, tin into gold, bread into flesh...

its though perhaps a convient symbolic arrangement, the lay and the priest, agreeing that symbols have this (literal) meaning in this context, for these reasons (some personal, some poltical, some historical, all real and all true) does that agreement push away the metaphor and what does that mean, what does it mean when something no longer becomes metyomical...

what happens then, as well, when the realtionship b/w the lay and the priest, falls apart, what happens when the priest does not act honourably in the sight of god, if the priest does not honour the words and actions of his conveant...what happens when the congression doesnt?

and what happens if the priest and hte congression ignore higher--if every priest in every parish can bring god every time the magic words are said, then why do we need anything else?