easter vigil yesterday, he is risen, etc
three hours, and then dinner afterwards, and it was lovely.

saw jeff, who isnt happy, and val who is...
seeing val is always a revealing force, and her friend meredith of the same tendencies, a fondness for heresey, a desire to move beyond gender, a nascent femminism, an affection, slight bitterness, and a fuck you kind of energy, eating and almost cuddling with her, made me realize how much i missed her.

graham lettner, i think i like and its weird, hes touchy feely, more the hugs, rubbing shoulders and touching of great tenderness and intimacy--and it doesnt mean anything of course, its just graham, but i wonder if my cancelling and my inability to keep appointments is a combo of the ambiguity of my feelings for him (ie hes fuckable), and my fear about taking advantage of him (ie hes the SU president, he will be politically useful)...

trayce, gerads fiancee is a fantastic person, great for jacob, beautiful company, and gerards family lets me have a weekend, and i feel less and less anxious about offending...

(other things: its 7 years since my baptism, and i think that my enmeshment with mother church is complete, and my ambiguity, and gaurdedness about what i exactly believe--in the easter vigil there is a moment after everyone is confirmed that the priest asks will you defend the church and all it does, and well i cant do that, even with the wrestling, even with just the basics, that was what was so revelatory about really sitting with the apostles creed, and meditating on it, and praying on it, is that i am not even sure i can defend the basics expected of me as a xian, and some people it doesnt bother, i mean spong says no virgin birth, no resuerction, lets move on--and it bothers me...deeply. and i mean, as a poltical radical, i think that the reseruction is a bit of mcguffin--30 years of lets fuck shit up, and then dying for it, as treasounous, and then well isnt that an ignoble end, lets fix it--and that fixing i mean organic folk mythologies, how many people see elvis in kalamazoo 7-11s, etc its all too neat, too polite...and arguing about it, gives a convienet rheotorical place, and well im all about maintaining convient rhetorical places)

(rewrite: i dont believe in the reseruction, mostly because it cements my role as a heretic and because of my cynicism of the poltics of the early church. The more orthodox my company, the more radical my denials are--much of the intellectualism for that disbelieving is whole stealing from radical 20th century theologians, because their exgesis makes it easier for me to be comfortable, and comfort is not one of the goals of xian thot)