yesterday was danielles birthday, and then seans.
i drank too much, ate too richly.
it was a night rife with symbolism and deeper meanings, and it was a night of congealing.

at the japanese resturant, after the meal, a slight of hand artist made things disappear, and reappear, joked and pattered and made his routine smooth and soft...

at the patio of a bar at the most expenisve hotel in the city, i encouraged danielles decadence, and mine as well. two cocktails, one bitter and one sweet, and creme brulee (the hard thick crust of sugar, the velvet of processed lavendar and oranges--seeing the couples spill out of the wedding next door into the formal gardens. seeing the rows and rows of city lights, like chinese terraces, -- hearing the dj playing hip hop, balladry, disco--smelling each other, pine, and a whiff of exhaust...

in the car dropping her off, a little drunk, the intimacy came quick and fast, i felt more comfortoble then i had since she left, and the ease seemed to last for the first time.

picking sean up, his father drunk and boisturus, talking smack and violence, each time a lull in the conversation, a cooler or a pitcher appeared, and we drank, more and more and more--we talked about my book, about god, about politics. the words came too quickly, i am still unsure if it was the liqour.

after the bar, walking back singing, collpasing into cool grass, stumbling,

dennys an ice cream sundae, i went to the car alone as the sun rose, and i puked, it came up quickly, and it came up coipously, i apologized over and over again, feeling awful, guilty to make a mess, ashamed of my lack of control, of my hedonism, of my inability to say no, of my taking advantage and of people cleaning up my messes.

got to bryans, and he put me in the bath, tucked me in, gave me a hug...he has taken the domiant role, and i have conceded it, but that scares me deeply.

thruout the evening it felt like a pack, it felt like a crew, it felt like prowling night time hunting, and another week where i go to bed at dawn and get up in the mid afternoon.

today, i slept, and read harry potter, and had a deeply upsetting conversation with jeff.