tomorrow i will have dinner with sean and tell him that he can move in with bryan and i. i did not want him to because of nervousness concerning livining with people (boarding schools and mental hospitals in early adolescence mean that privacy is at a key later on), i was worried about how he and i interacted, his lack of socail graces and his obsessions which didnt match with mine.

sean i have to smile and nod with, and people smile and nod with me.

my other reservation is that he came with beggars cap in hand, acting v. manipultive--and that is something i do not react well to, matthew 25 tells me to house the homeless, and i need to do this, i am obliged by my god, and i cannot in my heart get over this fact. my inner 6 yr old is holding a tantrum whining i doooooooooont waaaana.

but i will.

(i am an asshole at heart, speaking cruely behind others backs, using nasty words, pretending to be the victim while really being the villian, i did this with raymond at the smog gig, mostly b/c i didnt assume that he had feelings, and i told jhen how i felt when i saw her randomly at HUB--i also tore into news writing, which she does, its not tactlessness, it is something much more savage. )

everyone calls me nice and kind and gentle and tender.
but i am an asshole who uses people, and seeks to destroy them.

i am as ruthless as i need to be.