read air guitar again (the closest book that i have come to explaing why i love and what i love--the taste is similar (wrestling, hank williams, foccualt, drawing over painting, las vegas, commonness, camp,liberace) but more then that, the belief in democratic processes, the belief that art is lots of thats fucking cool, thats pretty, hmm well i think thats interesting, more then this approaches that dialectic. i read it every 6 mos or so, though. (need to get his other book 5 dragons dammit)

moved kevin peirce (married to keira), and there were some intersting things that happened--mostly due to cars. i miss moving, i miss lots and lots about lds culture, the moving being only a small part of it, i miss the bake sales, adn the hay rides and the home teaching, and i miss young mens, and i guess i miss the masculine appeal of straight boys together. richard peirce, who lost a son and a wife in the last couple of years before i stopped being in contact (the last time i saw him was his wifes funeral) and now he is married to a new wife, and he talks about having two harlies and one wife and how that is a perfect life (i love richard, i love his honesty, his intergirty, his rawness--and hes a soilder and a cop, i dont think we ever talked about politics, i suspect that we both know each other would disagree---but its i mpt to me for richard to be happy.) hes a good story teller too.

other things that happened on the move--keira is preganant again-21 and a kid/miscarriage and a other on the way, and a started home, and kevin is working ot be a mechanic, and its a country song of course--or a bobby anne mason story, but country songs and bobby mason songs end, and this one grinds one, they are waiting on tests to tell if the kid in kerias uterus has downs, and it looks pretty likely--and keira is peters brother, and peter was my friend who killed himself just pst mission (weird thing--richard introduced me primarly as peters friend, which reminded me of how much closer him post mortem, terry was his pall bearer, and one of the guiding moments in my life was his mother telling me how much he respected me, how much he liked me..)

things twist together in a small town, due to common tragedy and fewer people, i think--wards and parishes and everyone knows everyone from childhood, and if yr in, yr in and if yr not..you leave. go to the big city. tim mcgraws new single is drugs or jesus, about the methods of escaping in a small town--and being mormon, i guess is chosing jesus. kevin seems blindsided he seems happy, but not sure how he got there, i should have a beer w. him next week.

in a burgandy grand maquis, on the road back to the fort, on those big norad roads--seeing grain and industry talk got back to steve majek--my old young mens leader, and he was a solid fucking guy (solid in charachter, solid in physcality, solid...) and i was in the car with kevin and the two elders, boys boys (what is the difference b/w masculine, butch and macho) and they mentioned that steve was cocky, its a word i dont think i have ever used, and its in a cant i dont understand--when a man is described as cocky, what is being said to him (the conversations i have had with steve that i remember, were the conveserations ive always had with men in the church--quiet, or boisterous--quiet alone, in minivans being taken home or in the corners of the suburban churches--in whispers though i never know why i whisper.)

other things going on
read the hollebcuq essay on hp lovecraft and it was 30 pages of him (good), two lovecraft stories (easily availble), intro by king (good but not great) and biblio/translators notes.

the essay was really useful--because it talked at length about how the mysterious monsters, the unameable horrors, were about his mad racism and fear of the other. the sections where he talked about this, and qouted the letters, it really seemed like he was talking about himself--the fear of blacks and jews in lovecraft as an overwhelming force that destroys good order, is v. similar to MH's view of islam and france. (and his obsession w. hygeine, and his role as exile, maybe)

it also reminded me how much was contained in the scientfic processes--how much Lovecraft tried to maintain the order, avoiding fear (dread) by dissecting it in the way of journals and biogolist--in addition to many other things, there is something perverse in HPL's politics of language (there is an essay to be written about how HPL combines in the same story two v. opposite kinds of langauge--the epic and queer language of myth and the precise and ordinary langauge of science)

i bought the book at auderys, which i ahve been buying from pretty steady for a few years, and which i shoplifted from when i was 18--the owner cornered me, and threatened me in a really passive agressive way, saying that i was no longer welcome, but then i pointed out that it was a youthful indiscreation, and that i had dropped easily , when i was in town 20 or 30 a week there since then, if i wasnt closer to greenwoods (it depended on the state of the universe...) it was strange, to be called accountable for fuck ups people did so young.

have an interview for appeals wrt aish in 2 weeks, but its in vegreville, 30 or so kms away, and no one really drives (maybe kim?) turned down for embolybilites--after hours of meetings and intro sessions--why can they not asses our needs first, one on one, and then do the whole tour rigamole, war against the poor and disabled, over and over again it seems.

why am i caring less and less about the soverginty issues of the new gg, it seems like a loyalty oath more and more--and the academic/poetic way they formulated it, connecting a community b/w the french speaking northen hemisphere nations, and how they dealt w. anglo issues seems more and more a connection to two solitudes-- (esp. AC francophone quebecois has more in common with martinque and haiti then they do with Sask (or even the trad. francophone regions of alberta or manitoba) (but northen cree have more in common with labroador)

koizumi just apologized for the increased japanese miltarisim (whats up w. that)

Tilda as Nico
Camp Casey gets nasty

this one link, is a stupid school in kansas--but for so few books that are written by men about being abused by men, the cult of masculine silence is so strong, esp. among working class, and to have someone as strong a witness as Wolff--they banned this boys life, and beside the obv. skill of the writing, etc...some boys gonna still have the shit kicked out of him by his dad, and hes not going to read this, and hes gonna be broken further for it.

lets send a thousand copies