i went to saint johns with bryan today, an event that required two stops at mcds, a bag of brownies and a prayer to Catherine Tekawitha to get through.

I went with bryan, so that he would know the context in which i grew up, so he would know why i feel so broken, so he would know why i hate/am confused and confounded by breeder boys.

I went to take pictures, with hope that my memories would return.

what do i remember? :
being spanked (they no longer do this)
gang showers (they no longer do this)
25 km snow shoe runs (5 runs 2,5,10,15,15) (they no longer do this)
The smell of the Grade 7 dorms, of sweat, longing, of stale hormones, of dirt and industrial cleaners (it no longer smells like this)
Cows (they have none)
Duty Runs (these do not happen)
Lacrosse, Soccer, Football, Baseball in the lower fields (they have a new 3m gym donated by the Hole Family)
Compline (the chapel has not changed)

(it taught me to be aware, to be used to being hated, taught me that jesus loved me but that didnt matter if everyone else was hostile, it taught me that i have a steel core that no motherfucker could pentetrate, taught me that i was not my history, it taught me by accident all of those big city street smart lessons that i was avoiding.)

The library was the same, but they d idnt have the poetry book that gave me howl, the infiramry where i spent two weeks post sucide attempt didnt change (why did my parents drive me back there after i had drank rubbing achol from a shot glass)

The duty masters room where paul shepered (hes in kuwait) molested me was gone, replaced with dorms and a new entrance to the new gym.

I saw Jay Berg (the year above me) there who used to be an RA and now is doing weekend wotk , who was upbeat, who loved the school and was taken care of b/c of that love--he told us of who he knew, of the connections that he had so he could pull a new games room, the connections that he had with people who had money, his dads new bmw. He was infused with a casual sadism, a hey fellow well met brutality.

Even If I had Stayed, I would not be an Old Boy.
I dont need their club, ive started my own (and it includes women)

Why did I go ?
Because I needed that chapter to be locked.