Sitting down to write, I notice audience and intent—who is reading this and why are they bothering. What does it mean to have my testimony spread for all of you ? Do you want basic information, do you want scandal or entertainment, do you want my earnest pronouncements about god. Do you want me to make it easier or harder ? Do you want to know that you are not alone in the universe, that Christ will make your life happy or do you want someone who is more of a sinner then you are ? Do you want tto assume that when I found the grace of God, I was no longer blind but my vision was restored ? do you want me to start at the beginning and end at the end ? Which beginning do you want, my grandmothers realtions, those hard Scots presybertarians, my mother the good mormon who taught me all about Christian Ethics or my father, the atheist, who tried to teach me a moral life.
I’m a queer catholic with socialist leanings. I get so angry that I lose control and throw things. I am profane. I argue against the church and rally against God. I hate myself. I question everything. I am not a good Christian if one belives that, although there is the old American slogan that rebellion to tyrants is obedeince to god, and sometimes in the heirachy of Gods Church I see a petty tryanny. I am more of a follower of Michel Foccualt then I am of Jesus Christ. I think that Christ would be a post modernist if he was given the oppurtunity.
It makes me nervous when the Bible talks about the Kingdom of Heaven, when Christ heals demons or walks on water or makes fish into loaves or makes Lazrus rise again, because I cannot place it on the spectrum of the real. It makes me nervous when people talk in tounges or belive that Christ is their best pal. I think that God is profoundly disappointed in humanity and its inherent sinfulness. These are my hang ups, People do not become Christans with out them, there is a needienss, that comes from hunger, and a hunger that seems to be filled by religon.
Is this a good testimony, will it fill your heart with love for God, will a new reader scan this and think “That sounds like something I want”. Is that the point of these 500 words. Here are some basics then: I belive in Jesus Christ, who was crucifed, and rose again, for a myriad of reasons, including my sins. I belive that he was born of Mary and Raised by Joesph. I belive his ministry was a call to radical inclusion. I think that God is so unknowable that we needed an intercessor in Human Form. I believe that his message is painful and difficult. I belive that Francis of Assisi got Stigmata, Joan of Arc heard voice, Luther heard visions and Paul was knocked off his horse. I am saddened that my palms have not bleed, that Michael has not uttered in my ear as I sleep, that Michael has not given me a message and that although it feels like I have spent 22 years on the road to Damsascus, I am still on my horse.

first draft of testimony for ccc