things I want

1. a blow job from someone who loves me
2. to know if blowjob is one word or two
3. to avoid charity
4. to be less anxious
5. to be stable
6. for the new ssris to work in such a way that my dick functions
7. to stop jerking off to the men I loved at 14.
8. a father
9. to disentangle the father/lover primal freud scene
10. to take a perfect baltz scene
11. to keep curating shows, the fords, the deer, the grid, the others
12. to finish the saints piece
13. to have a clear and unassailable relationship with Christ
14. to choose a team, any team (this time it seems to be Anglican)
15. to quit trying to kill myself, not to play lady lazarus
16. to be able to read people better
17. to be selective in my reading, to not have foucoult follow me into the clinic, or aquanis into the chapel
18. to know what I wish I was a mole in the ground really was about
19. to maintain an obsession for longer then 6 months
20. to know how to drop an obsession t
21. to pray, in a way that would make crammer and smith proud
22. to pay my debts
23. to not depend on other people
24. a good proper history of group therapies history, tying it to transactional analysis
25. to understand the appeal of jane austen
26. to be frank o hara
27. to write free and direct, w/o the odd droppings of names and places
28. to be happy
29. to be content
30. to be a husband
31. to be a father
32. to write
33. to paint or draw, even if it isn’t v. good
34. to do my taxes every year on time
35. to be a good, upstanding citizen, in all of the usual ways
36. to be a bohemian in a grey flannel suit
37. to go back to Toronto
38. to go back to Vancouver
39. to go back to new york
40. to go back to London
41. to go to Halifax
42. to go to inuvik
43. to go to Holland
44. to go to brazil
45. to be able to live on less then 20 dollars a day
46. matt damons cock, pounding hot and lurid into my fat ass
47. to lose 50 lbs
48. to be less lonely
49. to sleep from midnite to 8 am.
50. to not stay up worrying w. existential angst that cannot be cured
51. to learn to break bread
52. read more then I am now
53. read the collected works of swedenborg
54. to take the careful, measured, systematic, and silent approach of the qaukers
55. to take the raw joy of the pentacostals
56. to contribute to ongoing discourses
57. to eat dim sum on Chinese new year, latkes at hannukah, and pancakes on shrove, with people.
58. to be less hungry
59. to be less raw.
60. to push and contain my rawness into something productive
61. wombats, I totally want a million wombats
62. to not cry so often at really shitty movies
63. for the world to realize my talents
64. I don’t want my life to be like an annie prolux novel
65. to live on my own
66. to be able to fill out forms, talk to beurocrats, to live w/o a translator all the time, talking me down from the edge
67. read more hume, kant, wittengensiten, kristevia
68. work in Africa
69. realize the importance of canals as well as oceans
70. meet and seduce tilda swinton
71. to trust that people like me, and that I wont fuck up, that people will stay, that it isn’t a constant scale, where they weigh each inconveince on a scale of is this enough.
72. im serious about the wombats, and llamas, totally want llamas.
73. to be comfortable with the chaos of creation, w. not knowing
74. to move beyond taxonomy
75. the power of camp.
76. several bespoke suits in a variety of tweeds.